The Sky is Falling

The sky is falling at work today. I want to crawl under my desk and hide.

This Little Piggy

Me: And what kind of animal goes oink oink?
G: Mommy!

Sigh. Starting Weight Watchers on Monday, at least.

Eye of the Beholder

It was meet the teacher and pick up supply time this morning. I was out in the hall greeting students and families all morning. It was so great. So, I get a big hug from a little girl going into first grade this year. As they walk away, I hear her mother say, "She seems nice." And the little girl says, "Yeah, and she's ALLLLLWAYS happy!" And you know what? It made me happy.
:)

Weirdness

I had such a weird situation happen. There's a guy I know who is pretty flirty with all the girls, but in a sort of non-threatening, older guy and married, but still sometimes a little uncomfortable kind of way. With all girls. So he asks me how I am and we visit. Then he asks me about Tim. Then he randomly says, "Well, you know me, I've got my damn wife...over there...you know. I don't want to mess around on her. I'm just that not that kind of guy. I mean I shouldn't mess around with someone else because I'm married. I need to stay together with her because of the kids..." I have no idea where this is going since it was totally out of the blue. So I nod and say uh-huh, yeah, etc. He says, "But I'm a MAN, is what I'm saying. And there are all these PEACHES around here! You know?" At this point I'm getting a little uncomfortable because I'm not exactly sure how to respond or how he is expecting me to react. So I say, "Well, you're not that kind of guy. I always tell Tim that I'm not the kind of girl who can forgive and move on if he cheats, so if he's gonna do it, he better be sure because that's it." Silence. He says, "It happened to me (his ex-wife cheated), I know! I shouldn't do it. But it's like walking through an orchard around here!" Now he's sort of walking away and I am out of things to say so I say something to the effect of, "Hang in there!" Totally weird. And pretty awkward. Not sure what that was all about or if I should have handled it differently.

***ETA: When I day "girls", I mean women. Especially women younger than him, but cougars also.***

Best Summer Pic

Is this not the most awesome picture ever? I so wish I had taken it, but alas it was taken by my good friend Andrea (Om Mami). She has been chosen as one of the 20 (out of 400!) finalists in the summer love photo contest on 5 Minutes for Mom.

If you have a sec, pop on over to the voting site and give it a quick look-see. I think you will find that hers is the BEST but your vote is up to you. But hers is the best. Did I mention my friend will win $500 if she gets the most votes? Hey, if I had thought that I had one that was better, I would have entered it - it's $500!! ;) But I don't have one better. Let's help a mama out - GO ANDREA (Om Mami) (#19)!!!

Soooooo...

Started Effexor XR yesterday. Hopefully this will help some. Yesterday and today I felt a little dizzy/light-headed and really jittery. Hopefully it's a temporary side effect because it is driving me nuts. 3-4 weeks to work, so I will try not to judge before then. How will I know if I'm less crazy? Fingers crossed.

Different

It's like Greyson knows something is different (his first full week back at daycare) and he has turned on the charm in the morning big time. He was super huggy and kissy this morning. He asked for me to color with him and I had to say no, that it was time to go to school. Total pang. But I know that this is right for us. Not only do we need the money, but I have found that I am the type of mother who does better with our setup. Maybe he's not being extra cute, maybe it just seems that way since I only got to see him for 45 minutes this morning. One of the things that I love is that when I am home from work the time we spend together feels so much more concentrated. We don't have time to annoy each other.

Every thing G says has been making me laugh lately. Last night we took a bath together and as always he quizzed me on parts:
G: What's that?
Me: That's Mommy's hair.
G: (Knocks head on toilet attempting to look under his penis for hair)
Me: You don't have hair there yet. You will get it when you are a teenager.
G: Huh?
Me: You'll have hair there too in about 12 years.
G:Where's you penis?
Me: Mommy is a girl and girls don't have penises, remember?
G: (gives penis a yank)
Me: But Daddy has a penis.
G: (laughs) Daddy no have penis!

And now Manga Tim

I think it kinda does look like him...although I think he has a fuller beard now and not just the goatee. But the ones they had looked like pedophile beards.
See Jon LaJoie:


Wahaha! Another excuse for Jon!

Okay, okay, back to work. Jeez, you slavedrivers!!

Manga Me

You may say that I am wasting time, but to you I say that I am making this to put on my library homepage. The kids will like it.
I think it's cool!
Make your own at http://www.faceyourmanga.com

Yay work!

I'm back at school this morning (Hey, I got here early so I could do computer stuff first, okay!?) and feeling much more positive. I have air and everything! The gods of whining did not look nicely on my previous post. I was struck down with what must have been food poisoning around 11 and was hugging the toilet every 10-15 minutes until 7ish. I seriously did not make it more than 15 minutes the whole day. So I went home sick on my first day back at work - what a loser! Every time I get really awfully sick like that I swear (imagine me clutching my stomach and moaning) I will NEVER take my health for granted ever ever again! I look at those bastards on television skipping around without a thought of vomiting. I even narrow my eyes at Tim as he dares to cook something stinky without ever once running to the bathroom. I will rejoice in a nausea-free life! I swear, just let this end!
So now as I nibble a couple animal crackers and tenderly sip my Gatorade,I am grateful to be upright and at work. Yay work!

Ho-hum

Well, I am back at school and this is the first of what is sure to be many many whiny posts. I came into the library and everything had been moved and rearranged into crazy places. All of the heavy furniture and 30 or so boxes of books that we have moved to one area in the back for the warehouse to pic up is all over the library. Someone seriously dragged broken furniture back to the place where it stood for the previous 20 years. Then I open the door to my little office and the entire thing is STUFFED full of everything from the back rooms. Stuffed. I got here at 7:45 and just finished moving it all the hell out. And did I mention there is no air? I am pouring sweat. It is dripping off of my fingers into the crevices between the keys. I was all ready to pretend to be cheerful and happy - gonna try the "fake it 'til you make it" thing. But I am here to say that it is going to be much much harder than I thought. I swore I was going to be more positive this year and I am off to go try to do that.

One of Those

Erika sent this to me and I really do like these even though hardly anyone ever replies to me. So I thought I'd try it on the blog and see if I could get you to repost your answers

Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your friends.

Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person
who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things
about your friends that you might not have known.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:00 blech Mornings make me want to vomit. And don't even THINK about asking me for sex in the morning

2. Diamonds or Pearls? I guess diamonds, but I prefer the cheap stuff. And I LOVE moonstone...it's my favorite and I have major superstitions related to moonstones. I could not be without one for so so long - I thought that something terrible would happen. And typing this kind of makes me want to go put one on right now.

3. What 2 things do you always have with you? A pocketful of receipts and other crap and I can seriously not think of anything else because I lose everything. About 60% of things come back to me

4. What is your favorite TV show(s)? 30 Rock (TINA FEY - my BFF! Hopefully she doesn't read this blog or I will be expecting a restraining order soon), The Office, Dexter, House (Hugh Laurie - yum), loved Six Feet Under and Oz...I am blanking since it's rerun season

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Usually skip it and then pig out later when starving...I like to sleep until the last possible moment. But when I do make it on a school day I have eggs and cheese toast.

6. What is your favorite book? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhh Man. Any memoir by David Sedaris. The Harry Potter books. I just finished Breaking Dawn and LOVED it. Really too many to name but I can't wait to see other people's picks - I need a great book to read!

7. What is your middle name? Renee. With an accent over the second e if you please

8. What food do you dislike? Seafood. I can eat crab and crawfish (once!) if need be, but the whole shit just freaks me out. Texture issues

9. What is your favorite CD? Hmmmmmmmm Right now it may still be the Once Soundtrack. But I totally listen to music based on my mood so it varies. I am really liking The Raconteurs right now. A lot.

10. What type of car do you drive? Black Jeep Compass - woohoo! My new (to me) ride after the Malibu pooped out for good

11. Favorite sandwich? Tomato Basil Fresh Mozz with pesto mmmmmmmmmm

12. What characteristic do you despise? I really can't abide bullies - male or female. And manipulators who kill you with kindness because they get me every damn time. I am a total spineless sucker

13. Favorite item of clothing? t-shirt fo sho

14. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? India

15. What color is your bathroom? Oh my god. Remember we rent. Some horrifying mauve shiny wallpaper. Ick.

16. Favorite brand of clothing? If I was skinny and rich I would wear nothing but Anthropologie, but as it is I guess Target...

17. Where would you like retire to? Crested Butte

18. What was your most recent memorable birthday? When I was 5 I had ponies and a sleepover...it's really one of the only birthdays I remember...It was great.

19. Furthest place you are sending this? Gee, I don't know...who is reading this and thinks they are farthest away?

21. Who do you least expect to repost this? Bonnie

22. Person you expect to repost first? Tanya, but I'd really like to read everyone's

23. Favorite saying? Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

24. When is your birthday? 3/11/79

25. Are you a morning person or a night person? I guess night? More like evening but for the love of god not mornings

26. What is your shoe size? 8. A WIDE 8.

27. Pets? Mojo Jojo the chihuahua Kali and Dinky the cats And the rats apparently living in the garage nice.

28. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress. I was the kid who practiced the Oscar speech in front of the mirror. Sadly, I still harbor some hope there. But unless casting directors visit playgroups or elementary school libraries looking for chubby balding 30 year olds with slight lisps I am fucked.

29. How are you today? All over the place. Had a boring morning followed by a good hang out with buds and now feel inexplicably bummed

30. What is your favorite candy? Reeses cups. Anything peanut buttery. I will go with Erika here. And I like my Reeses cups right out of the freezer with a tall glass of milk.

31. What is your favorite flower? Dahlia Lovelove them but haven't had one since my wedding. Sigh. Come ON Tim, jeez.

32. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? I can not think of one damn thing...isn't that sad?

33. What is the last thing you ate? Um, a nacho at happy hour?

34. What are you listening to right now? Silence.

35. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Indigo

36. How is the weather right now? hot as hell but it's nice out now since it's late

37. Last person you spoke to on the phone? tim to tell him that Andrea had to buy me beer since my ID was in his wallet

38. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I certainly do. Wish she lived closer

39. Favorite soft drink? Diet Coke. But I SWEAR I will be weaning soon. F'n crack.

40. Favorite restaurant? Torchy's Tacos...mmmm...the democrat....mmmm

41. Hair color? Brown - what's left of it

42. Sibling(s). younger brother and sister

43. Favorite day of the year? Halloween

44. What was your favorite toy as a child? Lite Brite for me too Erika! Even after I was electrocuted by it while playing with it directly after getting out of the bathtub.

45. Summer or winter? Damn it, where is spring? Okay, fall for football but not for Ragweed, Spring for my b-day, g's b-day, spring break and weather. Summer for no school and hanging out with friends more, but not for weather. And winter for skiing which I NEVER get to do anymore...

46. Hugs or kisses? Hugs! I am veryvery huggy but would rather have no hug than a lame side hug or pat. But I do love kisses from my boys

47. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla... but come on! At least give me some Oreos in there! I really like Rainbow sherbert best, but only from Baskin Robbins

48. Do you want your friends to post back? Yes...PLEASE!!

49. When was the last time you cried? This afternoon while listening to a recap of this NPR story in my car. I cried the first time I heard it, too. Listen to it if you dare, it will break your heart. Warning: it's devastating.

50. What is under your bed? boxes of pictures and notes from high school/college

51. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Hmmm...I think Marissa reads this, right Rizz?

52. Favorite smell? Burt's Bees Buttermilk Lotion on G. But then Romance deodorant (cologne is too stong for me now) on Tim makes me want to rip my clothes off

53. What are you afraid of? Many many things. Most of which are out of my control. I guess not being loved/like is a big personal one for me. I can't think too much about the big stuff or I start to flip out.

54. Plain, butter or salted popcorn? Not really into popcorn except when I was preggo

55. How many keys on your key ring? Ha...like 10?? I can't get rid of them! I don't know what they all are, you say? Well the minute I toss it, I will need it!

56. How many years at your current job? This will be my second year at my school

57. Favorite day of the week? Saturday. totally. Would maybe be Sunday since Tim is always home but I let the looming Monday ruin it for me during the school year.

58. How many towns have you lived in? 4 Dallas until 3ish, Gainesville Fl until 7ish, Fort Worth and Austin since then

59. Do you make friends easily? Yes. I think I can get along with mostly everyone. But I tend to try too hard sometimes. And when I get in a funk I don't too well keeping in touch and I worry that they won't take me back. Tim thinks I set my friend standards too high for the next tier of friends...

60. How many people will you be sending this to? i have no clue

Whew!
********
What in the hell. Spell check tells me it's sherbet and not sherbert. I just checked the BR website and it's fucking "sherbet." I have gone 29 1/2 years of my life with various sherberts being my favorite ice cream and I NEVER EVER knew it was sherbet. This is really shocking. And now you think I'm some kind of back woods freak. Am I the only one who's been ordering "sherbert" my whole life. I think I'm having some sort of existential crisis over this.

Show Me Your Genitals

Made you look!!

Because I think this is the funniest thing I have ever seen I will post it here even though my last post was Jon Lajoie, too. I promise to post at least one non-Jon thing before I post my favs of his commericals.
Is there really someone out there who doesn't think this is funny? Stand up for yourself...I am curious.
I can not stand it it cracks me up so bad.
Who would have thought you'd be singing "Genitali-UH!" all day?
:)

I'll Try This!

I think I will take this advice! Thanks Jon LaJoie!



More about Jon later, as he is a genius.

Update

Hey guys,
I'm coming up from my hole for just a minute to check in. I have had a rough week or so. I've been thinking about blogging but frankly I haven't really done anything at all. Then I saw that not one but two of my friends have recently posted about having some of the same problems and I figure if they can come clean so can I. I have been feeling down off and on lately, but I think it has definitely become something more. I blamed all my symptoms (hair coming out AGAIN, weight gain, extreme fatigue, muscle soreness, etc.) on my thyroid since I have been off meds for close to a month now. But I had my bloodwork done and all levels (including testosterone) are normal. Seems I shouldn't have still been taking the meds? I guess hypothyroid might be a post-preggo thing for me - who knows. So anyway I am going to come right out and say that I think I am depressed. I took a questionnaire and it said, "You apppear to have severe depressive disorder." Then it went on to say see a doctor and don't commit suicide. haha. So anyway I have been all over the place emotionally this week and falling behind on things (work and maintaining friendships). But my girls have been checking on me and I do appreciate that. It's not something I'm used to having - a group of girls who care so much about me, I mean. Anyhoo, I am here and attempting to drag myself out of the funk. I start work NEXT week (boooooooooooooooooooooooooo) and I am really freaking out (overreacting?) about not being able to see the people who ground me on a regular basis for months and months. But at least work means I won't be able to lay around all day. However, I will soon be lying in bed worrying about school related crap...can't wait.
This was a total ramble - just wanted to let you know I'm still here. I'll post more soon but for now it's a bath and bed for me.
Love you!

Rainbow ~ BSM

I just love this picture. I know it's not the best quality and the light was very low, but how can you not love this? Rainbow socks (Babylegs) and a white toddler bottom! I have had a trying couple of days with Greyson - I haven't been feeling well and he's been a beast. More on that later when I have more time. For now let's just say that this picture helped remind me how stinkin' cute he is and that he is really only a 2 year old!

**PHOTO REMOVED DUE TO WEIRDOS****

The Bush Report

Back with an update on the Magic Shave experience...

All in all the grow-back phase had been close to shaving for me...a little itchy, some ingrowns especially after exercising, etc. Luckily, little ingrowns are not that big of a deal for me. Something you may not know (or ever want to know) about me is that I derive a sick sense of satisfaction from freeing ingrown hairs. Yes, I will kick back with a pair of sharp tweezers and go to town. I don't necessarily pluck the hairs, I just release them from their little skin-prisons. It's actually very rewarding. And horrifying for you to hear, I'm sure.

Tim is still liking it mucho, regrowth be damned. He is Magic Shave's (and Christen's) new biggest fan.

All in all it's something I'd totally recommend. Not sure if I have the time or patience to do it every time, but as Christen said, "I'm not trying to be porno-ready every night." Plus it stunk up my bathroom like crazy. But I have had a lot of sex in the last week. So, there you go...

Look Over Your Shoulder

Scene: Playdate. Moms sitting in the shade and chatting. Children running around in the yards in various states of undress.

Mama: ...so I told him that we'd just have sex every day for a month and see what happens.

Me: You know, our ob/gyn told me that the optimum amount of sex to have when trying to get pregnant is every 36 hours.

Mama: WHAT? Every 36 hours? 36 hours in between? Ohhoho, I can NOT go 36 hours without sex!

General tittering laughter from mamas

Me: Really! If you wait too long, the sperm get lazy and stupid in there...but if you do it too often they won't replenish enough...

Mama: No way.

Me: I'm serious! You have to wait for the tanks to fill up.

More giggles from the peanut gallery

14 year old son of one of the mothers that no one had noticed suddenly gets up and flees the area

BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!

I wish you could have seen his face.

Best Shot Monday ~ Sugar and Spice

I think I've been bitten by the little girl bug lately. It seems that my friends all have these gorgeous and sweet little things who are so dainty and cute. I find myself sad that we decided not to try to get preggo this year for money reasons. I never thought I could do the girl thing, but watching the mother-daughter interaction has really been getting to me.

Anyhoo, my BSM this week comes from a shoot I had with this cutie. She was up all night teething and was sad and drooly. Her mama was worried about not getting any smiling shots, but I think sometimes these turn out more beautiful. She has the most amazing eyes.

I think I just felt my ovaries jump!



More Best Shots hosted on Slurping Life this week...

The Smooth Vajayjay Dairies

I came across a post on my mom’s group message board entitled, “For Your Vagina.” When I saw it was written by my friend Christen, I knew I was in for something good. Tell me, how could I not read it? Within the first post, I see the words, “nether regions”, “barely there hair”, “cooter”, and “girly parts.” Sounds interesting! Christen was spreading the joy she (or at least her husband) has found from a wonderous product called “Magic Shave.” She said that through her “nefarious connections” (haha) she discovered this product which is designed for black men who get razor bumps on their faces. But apparently, it works well on your cooter, too! Blushing, I check to make sure this post isn’t directly addressed to me. Has she seen me in a swimsuit? Too short shorts? Has her husband been speaking to my husband? But no, she was just sharing the love.
I laughed my way through the rest of the posts and jotted down all the fun words for vagina (which I will be stealing an using here). Heather’s post actually made me spit my Diet Coke:

Now I can't get it out of my head, so I wonder if I'll try it too. Oh, the things you O'Mamas drive me to. I spend too long on the discussion boards, and it's created all sorts of unrealistic goals in my head now, like:
1. Feed my child something other than Oreos every day
2. Have an identity outside of mamahood
3. Clean my house
4. Have sex with my husband
5. Get rid of my bush

Word, sister. Word.

Armed with mama knowledge, I descended upon HEB for help taming “the beast.” Walking up and down the shaving aisle, I’m starting to feel sad when lo and behold I find it snuggled away on the end-cap next to the hair relaxer! And under $2 - score!

Once home, I pass the child off to Tim so I can get rid of my bush in peace. Reading the directions, I see “scrape off with spatula.” Spatula? WTF? Surely they mean the included little paddle, right? Wrong - nothin’ in there. I scrounge around in the kitchen drawers looking for a spatula small enough to maneuver easily yet firm enough to get the job done. Frankly, I’m looking for a spatula I can spare for ooooohhhh….ever. Something tells me I won’t want to stir the eggs in the morning after I’ve used said spatula to scrape my cooter the night before. Or am I just being a prude? I will not be using spatulas at Christen’s house in the future. I resolve to just scratch away with the metal measuring spoon I’m using to mix it up.

Armed with my supplies, I mix up the gray sludge, strip down and have a seat on the toilet with a hand mirror. I slather the mix up one side and down the other. When I’m done, I’ll not be “porno-ready” but I will have a nice landing strip. I check the time and lean back, legs akimbo to read my new David Sedaris book. I enjoy the breeze but I can’t help but wonder what David would say about this scene.

I forget to check the time and don’t look down until 12 minutes have passed. By this time, the cream has solidified into a lovely grey concrete path paving the way to the promised land. But no burning! Paranoid about getting it in the inner sanctum, I scuttle like a crab over to the shower with my teaspoon in hand. With the water running, I start the scraping process. Miracle of miracles, the hair is coming right off! I feel like I am painting on smooth skin!

The wad of evicted hairs starts to plug up the drain and I keep having to pull it out of the way with my foot. I once went to get a wax and the lady took one look and said, “Oh…You hairy!” I am not making that up. And if I remember correctly, I had trimmed it up specifically for her. So I was fairly sure this powder would not work on my pubes, seeing as they are spun from steel wool. But it did! Smoothest cha-cha ever! (“Cha-cha” being my favorite of the stolen words) I’m still skeptical about how long it will last - my body hair grows like that kid on The Amazing Peanut Butter Solution. All those Omega-3s, you know.

Tim was practically waiting outside the door. Seal of approval from him I think. And beer coming your way, Christen!

Love

Well, I finally finished the pictures from the wedding I assisted with. I was pleased with them overall and I had fun playing with them and trying new things. Unfortunately that takes FOREVER and I am very very tired of looking at these. Here are some of my favorites and the rest are on my Flickr strting here (and going left).

The bride was gorgeous as you can see - that makes it really easy. The thing was that she was so stinkin' cute AND had the perfect body AND is extremely smart (an engineer or something). She is totally the kind of person who you could hate. But she was very sweet. I think she was one of those people who have the opportunity to become a mean girl and then chose to become friends with everyone instead. It was nice to meet such a genuine person and I think her personality shows through.

The groom looks a lot like my brother in the face and it made for interesting shooting. Though the camera it really felt like it was Kyle up there getting married and I was totally getting misty. He just looked so darn happy.

The couple was very religious and had communion together separately before the actual ceremony. They were so giggly and giddy! The ceremony itself was held outside and I don't think you can tell how HOT it was! But that's good, right?

I enjoyed doing the candids, and I am proud of the result but it was A LOT of work proofing all those pictures!! Whew! I don't know if I have the stamina! AND I still haven't been paid my lousy $100 for uncountable hours' work (or gotten my card back!!)...

Anyway, here are 10 that I liked:

Bitchin' Bird's

I took Greyson to get a trim at Bird's on Burnet. I thought it was so cool there and G finally got a haircut that I liked. That is to say that you can barely tell he got it cut. But it's out of his eyes! They had free videogames and beer! Wow. I can't wait to go take some more pictures there. Next time I want to try to get Tim to get his hair cut at the same time but at the south location so I can get pics there.

I think I would like to start photographing local businesses here in Austin (for myself, not for business, obviously). I did that as my final portfolio project when I took photography classes in Fort Worth. I really enjoyed doing it. There I focused mostly on older family-owned businesses, but here there is so incredibly much to choose from! It looks like the business will be pretty slow in July, so maybe I can do this as a project! If you have any ideas of cool places people (I) don't know about, let me know! I think I'm excited about this! Can you tell from the exclamation points?!!

Today

Didn't want to leave the day with my long rant. So here is what I did about it today: I completed a salsa exercise video and pushed G in the stroller for 45 minutes (got to enjoy the blustery 93 degree cold front!). I ate a normal dinner with Greyson and did not stuff myself. That is today.

Here is my plan for tomorrow:
-I will attempt to eat no more than a palm-size serving of any one thing (What, no entire box of mac and cheese??) unless that thing is a fruit or a vegetable.
-I will try to eat around other people. I do not eat like a human vaccum cleaner in public, around friends, or in front of Greyson or Tim. It is pretty much a solitary activity.
-If I must eat alone, I will not do it in front of any media and I will not read while doing it. This one will be tough as I ALWAYS read while I eat alone. ALWAYS. Hopefully this will help me focus on what I'm doing.
-I will move my ass. At least a 30 minute walk just to get started.

I am so stupidly all or nothing and although that formula has always allowed me to lose weight in the past, it has obviously never worked when it came to keeping it off. But now it is more than just the need to lose weight - I feel bad physically and mentally.

I resolve for the next month to not worry so much about calories, etc. and to focus on not binge eating. I do enjoy good food and when I force myself to give it all up, I end up going nuts and eating way more than I would have in the first place. I will not focus so much on having a kick-ass exercise routine and more about making sure I move every day. Maybe easing in will make it a more realistic change this time.

I hope that this will allow me to feel like I have a little more control in one part of my life.

When I get into this kind of funk I tend to obsess about everything that is wrong with me and my life. I truly truly appreciate all of your support and kind words. I am so lucky to have a support system here in Austin (in less than a year) unlike any I've had before. Don't be offended if I do only talk about this on the blog or through e-mail. It's easier to say what I feel here and I seem to blog in the moment (not sure if that's good). It doesn't mean that I don't love and appreciate you and take what you say to me to heart.

As for Tim...he's not home yet. I don't want it to seem like I don't love Tim because I really do. And I know he loves me - he tells me all the time. This is something I'm not really willing to let slide though. However, I think I will go brush my teeth before he gets home. That way if he brings home ANOTHER six pack, I won't be as tempted to eat an entire bag of chips...because that is what I can control in this equation.

Thanks ladies.

Totally F#%*ed Up

I have a long, complicated, fucked-up history with alcohol adn addiction in general. Both of my parents are alcoholics. I have memories of visiting my dad in treatment and all of the groups that followed - Sunshine Kids (I think it was called), Alakids, Alateens, etc.... My mother started out in Al-Anon and then went to AA as well. I basically grew up in and around meetings and that culture. That did not stop me from drinking in excess, especially in high school where I would drink very quickly to get drunk and almost always to the point of passing out. Luckily, I outgrew the worst of it by the time I turned 21 - well by the time I got to college, really. I still enjoy having drinks (and yes - getting a good buzz) when I go out to party or have people over, but I'm not really one to just have drinks in the evening at home.

But my addictive personality reared its head in another way -eating. I quickly gained a LOT of weight and have been up and down ever since. Now I am 70 pounds heavier than my weight entering college (and again in 2004, briefly). I am feeling out of control with my eating. I eat and eat and then hate myself immediately afterwards and wonder why I can't just NOT DO THAT. For example this morning I was feeling tired and ugly and pissed off at myself for being disgusting - so what did I do? I went and bought and ate a whole bag of white donuts. Which (I looked afterwards) was way more calories than I'm supposed to have in a whole day. It's impossible to say what I'm thinking while I'm eating them and as soon as I'm done I want to cry or go to sleep. But even when I am aware that this is how it will end I do not stop doing it. I am embarrassed when I see pictures of myself and embarrassed that this is the only way my new friends know me. That being said, there is almost nothing I dread more than running into someone who knew me as the athletic, active person I once was. I know I should excercise, but then it all seems like too much of an ordeal and I think, "Oh I'm soo tired. It really would do me better to get some rest." And so on and so on ad nauseum. This must really be bothering me, because it's not at all what I originally started this post to say.

Needless to say, I have my issues with addiction.

So let me get back to it. I grew up with parents in AA through college. Now they both drink again, though separately after a nasty divorce. I guess they consider themselves "cured"?? Anyway it is a weird feeling to see either of them drinking.

Now, Tim's family. They drink. A lot. Like every day. Tim's older brother is a practicing alcoholic. Tim diesn't find it out of the ordinary to have beer around all the time. It drives me absolutely insane to have him drink most nights when we're just sitting around the house. I let it eat and eat at me (no pun intended (I say while searching for food)) until I finally said something. I told Tim that I did not have that going on around me all the time growing up and I don't want it to be that way around Greyson, especially if he is succeptable to my family's addictive personality. I point out that he has had beer every night for almost 2 weeks. And he usually finishes a six-pack, so it's not just A beer. And it REALLY bothers me. He has said he honestly doesn't think drinking a six-pack is that big of a deal. I recognize that I may have a warped view, but really? Really? Night after night, and not just at a party? I don't buy that. He says he'll "work on it" and doesn't drink on Saturday. I appreciate the effort. Then he goes out specifically to get a six pack the next night. Why? We're just going to watch a movie. Oh, that calls for beer! Maybe I should ask him to pick me up some white donuts while he's there, huh?

What I don't say if that when he is having his beers and starts sounding buzzed I am annoyed with everything he does and says. I don't find it cute. I don't find it sexy. I don't want to kiss him or cuddle him or smell his breath. I lie in bed wondering if he is starting to give off that horrible sour smell through his pores like his brother or if I'm just imagining it. I wonder if I can let it go, but I don't think so. I start to calculate the cost of all this beer. In the last two weeks, I'd say over $100. And if I'm being honest with myself, I have probably been spending big money on food in the past week since all I've been wanting to do is eat and sleep. I know all of these things are related, and I don't know how they will be resolved. I guess I have to try to figure out what I'm going to do about me and my own out-of-control feelings first. I don't feel like I have a right to complain about excess when I am just as much of a lush, but with food. But it doesn't seem fair that I don't get to feel conflicted about the drinking just because of my own shit. I guess we're both fucked-up but I feel like I have reached the point where I HAVE to work on it and I can't do it by myself.

There. At least I'm still too full to be hungry. But I am sleepy...

Best Shot Monday - Spittin' Image

Takes after his mama.



My real (read: serious) Best Shot of the week (and month) couldn't wait until today and is here

More Best Shots at Mother May I...

Happy Birthday Bonnie

Last Sunday we went for a relaxed birthday celebration for my friend Bonnie. The kiddos stripped down and played in the mud and water while the adults sipped delicious margaritas, munched, and talked. All the husbands actually came and shockingly, they appeared to survive! I think half of us had cameras out :)















More pics on My Flickr
Tanya's Flickr
Andrea's Flickr
and
Bonnie's Flickr
Navigate left on all of these as usual

Bone tired

I apologize for the sudden influx of posts, but I will supposedly get to sleep late tomorrow. I've been wanting to post some things this week but have been really really busy.

I am so tired. I don't know if I am trying to do too much, or if Greyson is just wearing me out, or if I'm just staying up too late. Well, I know I'm staying up too late. But I am freaking worn down. I feel like I look beat, too.

I found out I had hypothroidism almost 2 years ago and haven't had my levels checked in over a year. I think that might be partially to blame. I don't have a doctor here yet (of any kind) and I need to get on it. E-mail me if you have any suggestions.

Yaaaaawn......

But this is my only opportunity to post!

Djembabes

Last week we met up with some friends and their kiddos at Central Market to see and hear the Djembabes, a group of women who drum and sing African music. It was so fun. The music was amazing and we all got into the groove. The kiddos rocked out and the mamas soon followed. Greyson sometimes won't dance out it public, but this time he was really into it! Later Tim took him home so I could stay for the next set. I danced my ass off at that point and I didn't care about what I looked like. I felt good. I was SOAKED in sweat afterwards. Now I totally want to take African dancing in addition to African drumming! It was such a great release. Afterwards I got to hang out and talk to my friend Stephanie. I hadn't really gotten the chance to sit and talk to her one on one without kids before, and I really enjoyed it. This night is another example of what I love about Austin.









**ETA: Forgot to say...More on my Flickr - start here and go left**

Layla

It has become less frequent for me lately that I produce a photograph that I really love. But I really love this one and so I couldn't wait to share it. This is Jenni's beautiful daughter. She is a stunner and I could tell that it would come through on film (file?).

I was not supposed to look at pictures from today until I finish the retirement party, wedding, Djembabes, birthday, and playsilks pictures.

But I could not resist on this one.

A Helluva Good Time

I FINALLY got around to looking at the pictures I took at Game Night last Monday. I hosted a shin-dig at my house for some of my ladies...I guess we had upwards of 15 of us there?

We started out the night with Mad Gad which was hilarious as always. Then on to Cranium Wow which I think is a lot of fun (not sure what everyone else thinks). During the games we had intermissions where we talked about such topics as the sexual organs of our friends that could not be there. Then we decided to come up with our own "Dirty Mad Gab." I don't think I can post what we came up with here in case I should have to register as an X-rated blog. Six or seven pages of the most vulgar shit you can think of! Have I mentioned that I love my mom's group? One mom asked how dirty it could be. I said as dirty as you want it to be mama and let me tell you that she got dirty. I nearly snarfed my delicious rum punch!

Those brave enough to stick around 'til the end stayed well past midnight (gasp!) playing Guitar Hero. I laughed so hard and had such an incredibly good time. In the morning (especially after rereading the Dirty Mad Gad list) I worried that some mamas might have been uncomfortable, but I hope not. More game nights to come!!

Love ya, Mamas!!

Pics where I appear are taken by Donna. More at my Flickr starting here.



















And my new favorite picture of myself (taken by Donna)...

Damn it Oprah!

Why? Why in God's name do I always watch Oprah when I'm on my period??

I'm crying through an episode where children talk about their feelings about their parents' divorces. These kids read letters that they had written to their mother who left them two years ago. They have not seen her since that day and it was freaking heart wrenching. I mean, my parents got divorced when I was already an adult and it still pissed me off.

So I am crying like an idiot and now I have to go get G at daycare. Great. They already think I am dropping him off so I can sit at home and watch Oprah (oops) and now I come in with red, puffy eyes.

And I SWEAR I have been working on pictures the whole time!

Well, not now.

But you know what I mean.

Best Shot Monday - Summer Vibe

Wow, I can't believe I haven't blogged since last Monday. I had Greyson home with me all week and I swear I didn't have a second to myself! Now that he's back at school a couple of days this week, I will have to catch up.

This week's Best Shot for me came when I was holding this sweet baby and chilling out at Central Market listening to awesome African drumming and singing. It was hot, but the sun was starting to go down and I was really feeling the summer vibe. I hate that I chopped his ear, but I was actually shooting with my camera on my shoulder instead of up to my eye. Oh well. Actual summer in Texas may be stifling, but I do still love the idea and feeling of "summer."



P.S. Thanks for the tip on how to get bigger pix Melissa!

Beautiful Bride

This week my Best Shot comes from the wedding I shot on Friday (see description under "Assisting" post!). Whatever issues I had with the way the photography was handles, I thought the wedding was wonderful and the bride was absolutely beautiful. I haven't looked through them all yet, but this one caught my eye as one I really like. Something about her expression and the warmth of the light.