Update

Hey guys,
I'm coming up from my hole for just a minute to check in. I have had a rough week or so. I've been thinking about blogging but frankly I haven't really done anything at all. Then I saw that not one but two of my friends have recently posted about having some of the same problems and I figure if they can come clean so can I. I have been feeling down off and on lately, but I think it has definitely become something more. I blamed all my symptoms (hair coming out AGAIN, weight gain, extreme fatigue, muscle soreness, etc.) on my thyroid since I have been off meds for close to a month now. But I had my bloodwork done and all levels (including testosterone) are normal. Seems I shouldn't have still been taking the meds? I guess hypothyroid might be a post-preggo thing for me - who knows. So anyway I am going to come right out and say that I think I am depressed. I took a questionnaire and it said, "You apppear to have severe depressive disorder." Then it went on to say see a doctor and don't commit suicide. haha. So anyway I have been all over the place emotionally this week and falling behind on things (work and maintaining friendships). But my girls have been checking on me and I do appreciate that. It's not something I'm used to having - a group of girls who care so much about me, I mean. Anyhoo, I am here and attempting to drag myself out of the funk. I start work NEXT week (boooooooooooooooooooooooooo) and I am really freaking out (overreacting?) about not being able to see the people who ground me on a regular basis for months and months. But at least work means I won't be able to lay around all day. However, I will soon be lying in bed worrying about school related crap...can't wait.
This was a total ramble - just wanted to let you know I'm still here. I'll post more soon but for now it's a bath and bed for me.
Love you!

Rainbow ~ BSM

I just love this picture. I know it's not the best quality and the light was very low, but how can you not love this? Rainbow socks (Babylegs) and a white toddler bottom! I have had a trying couple of days with Greyson - I haven't been feeling well and he's been a beast. More on that later when I have more time. For now let's just say that this picture helped remind me how stinkin' cute he is and that he is really only a 2 year old!

**PHOTO REMOVED DUE TO WEIRDOS****

The Bush Report

Back with an update on the Magic Shave experience...

All in all the grow-back phase had been close to shaving for me...a little itchy, some ingrowns especially after exercising, etc. Luckily, little ingrowns are not that big of a deal for me. Something you may not know (or ever want to know) about me is that I derive a sick sense of satisfaction from freeing ingrown hairs. Yes, I will kick back with a pair of sharp tweezers and go to town. I don't necessarily pluck the hairs, I just release them from their little skin-prisons. It's actually very rewarding. And horrifying for you to hear, I'm sure.

Tim is still liking it mucho, regrowth be damned. He is Magic Shave's (and Christen's) new biggest fan.

All in all it's something I'd totally recommend. Not sure if I have the time or patience to do it every time, but as Christen said, "I'm not trying to be porno-ready every night." Plus it stunk up my bathroom like crazy. But I have had a lot of sex in the last week. So, there you go...

Look Over Your Shoulder

Scene: Playdate. Moms sitting in the shade and chatting. Children running around in the yards in various states of undress.

Mama: ...so I told him that we'd just have sex every day for a month and see what happens.

Me: You know, our ob/gyn told me that the optimum amount of sex to have when trying to get pregnant is every 36 hours.

Mama: WHAT? Every 36 hours? 36 hours in between? Ohhoho, I can NOT go 36 hours without sex!

General tittering laughter from mamas

Me: Really! If you wait too long, the sperm get lazy and stupid in there...but if you do it too often they won't replenish enough...

Mama: No way.

Me: I'm serious! You have to wait for the tanks to fill up.

More giggles from the peanut gallery

14 year old son of one of the mothers that no one had noticed suddenly gets up and flees the area

BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!

I wish you could have seen his face.

Best Shot Monday ~ Sugar and Spice

I think I've been bitten by the little girl bug lately. It seems that my friends all have these gorgeous and sweet little things who are so dainty and cute. I find myself sad that we decided not to try to get preggo this year for money reasons. I never thought I could do the girl thing, but watching the mother-daughter interaction has really been getting to me.

Anyhoo, my BSM this week comes from a shoot I had with this cutie. She was up all night teething and was sad and drooly. Her mama was worried about not getting any smiling shots, but I think sometimes these turn out more beautiful. She has the most amazing eyes.

I think I just felt my ovaries jump!



More Best Shots hosted on Slurping Life this week...

The Smooth Vajayjay Dairies

I came across a post on my mom’s group message board entitled, “For Your Vagina.” When I saw it was written by my friend Christen, I knew I was in for something good. Tell me, how could I not read it? Within the first post, I see the words, “nether regions”, “barely there hair”, “cooter”, and “girly parts.” Sounds interesting! Christen was spreading the joy she (or at least her husband) has found from a wonderous product called “Magic Shave.” She said that through her “nefarious connections” (haha) she discovered this product which is designed for black men who get razor bumps on their faces. But apparently, it works well on your cooter, too! Blushing, I check to make sure this post isn’t directly addressed to me. Has she seen me in a swimsuit? Too short shorts? Has her husband been speaking to my husband? But no, she was just sharing the love.
I laughed my way through the rest of the posts and jotted down all the fun words for vagina (which I will be stealing an using here). Heather’s post actually made me spit my Diet Coke:

Now I can't get it out of my head, so I wonder if I'll try it too. Oh, the things you O'Mamas drive me to. I spend too long on the discussion boards, and it's created all sorts of unrealistic goals in my head now, like:
1. Feed my child something other than Oreos every day
2. Have an identity outside of mamahood
3. Clean my house
4. Have sex with my husband
5. Get rid of my bush

Word, sister. Word.

Armed with mama knowledge, I descended upon HEB for help taming “the beast.” Walking up and down the shaving aisle, I’m starting to feel sad when lo and behold I find it snuggled away on the end-cap next to the hair relaxer! And under $2 - score!

Once home, I pass the child off to Tim so I can get rid of my bush in peace. Reading the directions, I see “scrape off with spatula.” Spatula? WTF? Surely they mean the included little paddle, right? Wrong - nothin’ in there. I scrounge around in the kitchen drawers looking for a spatula small enough to maneuver easily yet firm enough to get the job done. Frankly, I’m looking for a spatula I can spare for ooooohhhh….ever. Something tells me I won’t want to stir the eggs in the morning after I’ve used said spatula to scrape my cooter the night before. Or am I just being a prude? I will not be using spatulas at Christen’s house in the future. I resolve to just scratch away with the metal measuring spoon I’m using to mix it up.

Armed with my supplies, I mix up the gray sludge, strip down and have a seat on the toilet with a hand mirror. I slather the mix up one side and down the other. When I’m done, I’ll not be “porno-ready” but I will have a nice landing strip. I check the time and lean back, legs akimbo to read my new David Sedaris book. I enjoy the breeze but I can’t help but wonder what David would say about this scene.

I forget to check the time and don’t look down until 12 minutes have passed. By this time, the cream has solidified into a lovely grey concrete path paving the way to the promised land. But no burning! Paranoid about getting it in the inner sanctum, I scuttle like a crab over to the shower with my teaspoon in hand. With the water running, I start the scraping process. Miracle of miracles, the hair is coming right off! I feel like I am painting on smooth skin!

The wad of evicted hairs starts to plug up the drain and I keep having to pull it out of the way with my foot. I once went to get a wax and the lady took one look and said, “Oh…You hairy!” I am not making that up. And if I remember correctly, I had trimmed it up specifically for her. So I was fairly sure this powder would not work on my pubes, seeing as they are spun from steel wool. But it did! Smoothest cha-cha ever! (“Cha-cha” being my favorite of the stolen words) I’m still skeptical about how long it will last - my body hair grows like that kid on The Amazing Peanut Butter Solution. All those Omega-3s, you know.

Tim was practically waiting outside the door. Seal of approval from him I think. And beer coming your way, Christen!

Love

Well, I finally finished the pictures from the wedding I assisted with. I was pleased with them overall and I had fun playing with them and trying new things. Unfortunately that takes FOREVER and I am very very tired of looking at these. Here are some of my favorites and the rest are on my Flickr strting here (and going left).

The bride was gorgeous as you can see - that makes it really easy. The thing was that she was so stinkin' cute AND had the perfect body AND is extremely smart (an engineer or something). She is totally the kind of person who you could hate. But she was very sweet. I think she was one of those people who have the opportunity to become a mean girl and then chose to become friends with everyone instead. It was nice to meet such a genuine person and I think her personality shows through.

The groom looks a lot like my brother in the face and it made for interesting shooting. Though the camera it really felt like it was Kyle up there getting married and I was totally getting misty. He just looked so darn happy.

The couple was very religious and had communion together separately before the actual ceremony. They were so giggly and giddy! The ceremony itself was held outside and I don't think you can tell how HOT it was! But that's good, right?

I enjoyed doing the candids, and I am proud of the result but it was A LOT of work proofing all those pictures!! Whew! I don't know if I have the stamina! AND I still haven't been paid my lousy $100 for uncountable hours' work (or gotten my card back!!)...

Anyway, here are 10 that I liked:

Bitchin' Bird's

I took Greyson to get a trim at Bird's on Burnet. I thought it was so cool there and G finally got a haircut that I liked. That is to say that you can barely tell he got it cut. But it's out of his eyes! They had free videogames and beer! Wow. I can't wait to go take some more pictures there. Next time I want to try to get Tim to get his hair cut at the same time but at the south location so I can get pics there.

I think I would like to start photographing local businesses here in Austin (for myself, not for business, obviously). I did that as my final portfolio project when I took photography classes in Fort Worth. I really enjoyed doing it. There I focused mostly on older family-owned businesses, but here there is so incredibly much to choose from! It looks like the business will be pretty slow in July, so maybe I can do this as a project! If you have any ideas of cool places people (I) don't know about, let me know! I think I'm excited about this! Can you tell from the exclamation points?!!

Today

Didn't want to leave the day with my long rant. So here is what I did about it today: I completed a salsa exercise video and pushed G in the stroller for 45 minutes (got to enjoy the blustery 93 degree cold front!). I ate a normal dinner with Greyson and did not stuff myself. That is today.

Here is my plan for tomorrow:
-I will attempt to eat no more than a palm-size serving of any one thing (What, no entire box of mac and cheese??) unless that thing is a fruit or a vegetable.
-I will try to eat around other people. I do not eat like a human vaccum cleaner in public, around friends, or in front of Greyson or Tim. It is pretty much a solitary activity.
-If I must eat alone, I will not do it in front of any media and I will not read while doing it. This one will be tough as I ALWAYS read while I eat alone. ALWAYS. Hopefully this will help me focus on what I'm doing.
-I will move my ass. At least a 30 minute walk just to get started.

I am so stupidly all or nothing and although that formula has always allowed me to lose weight in the past, it has obviously never worked when it came to keeping it off. But now it is more than just the need to lose weight - I feel bad physically and mentally.

I resolve for the next month to not worry so much about calories, etc. and to focus on not binge eating. I do enjoy good food and when I force myself to give it all up, I end up going nuts and eating way more than I would have in the first place. I will not focus so much on having a kick-ass exercise routine and more about making sure I move every day. Maybe easing in will make it a more realistic change this time.

I hope that this will allow me to feel like I have a little more control in one part of my life.

When I get into this kind of funk I tend to obsess about everything that is wrong with me and my life. I truly truly appreciate all of your support and kind words. I am so lucky to have a support system here in Austin (in less than a year) unlike any I've had before. Don't be offended if I do only talk about this on the blog or through e-mail. It's easier to say what I feel here and I seem to blog in the moment (not sure if that's good). It doesn't mean that I don't love and appreciate you and take what you say to me to heart.

As for Tim...he's not home yet. I don't want it to seem like I don't love Tim because I really do. And I know he loves me - he tells me all the time. This is something I'm not really willing to let slide though. However, I think I will go brush my teeth before he gets home. That way if he brings home ANOTHER six pack, I won't be as tempted to eat an entire bag of chips...because that is what I can control in this equation.

Thanks ladies.

Totally F#%*ed Up

I have a long, complicated, fucked-up history with alcohol adn addiction in general. Both of my parents are alcoholics. I have memories of visiting my dad in treatment and all of the groups that followed - Sunshine Kids (I think it was called), Alakids, Alateens, etc.... My mother started out in Al-Anon and then went to AA as well. I basically grew up in and around meetings and that culture. That did not stop me from drinking in excess, especially in high school where I would drink very quickly to get drunk and almost always to the point of passing out. Luckily, I outgrew the worst of it by the time I turned 21 - well by the time I got to college, really. I still enjoy having drinks (and yes - getting a good buzz) when I go out to party or have people over, but I'm not really one to just have drinks in the evening at home.

But my addictive personality reared its head in another way -eating. I quickly gained a LOT of weight and have been up and down ever since. Now I am 70 pounds heavier than my weight entering college (and again in 2004, briefly). I am feeling out of control with my eating. I eat and eat and then hate myself immediately afterwards and wonder why I can't just NOT DO THAT. For example this morning I was feeling tired and ugly and pissed off at myself for being disgusting - so what did I do? I went and bought and ate a whole bag of white donuts. Which (I looked afterwards) was way more calories than I'm supposed to have in a whole day. It's impossible to say what I'm thinking while I'm eating them and as soon as I'm done I want to cry or go to sleep. But even when I am aware that this is how it will end I do not stop doing it. I am embarrassed when I see pictures of myself and embarrassed that this is the only way my new friends know me. That being said, there is almost nothing I dread more than running into someone who knew me as the athletic, active person I once was. I know I should excercise, but then it all seems like too much of an ordeal and I think, "Oh I'm soo tired. It really would do me better to get some rest." And so on and so on ad nauseum. This must really be bothering me, because it's not at all what I originally started this post to say.

Needless to say, I have my issues with addiction.

So let me get back to it. I grew up with parents in AA through college. Now they both drink again, though separately after a nasty divorce. I guess they consider themselves "cured"?? Anyway it is a weird feeling to see either of them drinking.

Now, Tim's family. They drink. A lot. Like every day. Tim's older brother is a practicing alcoholic. Tim diesn't find it out of the ordinary to have beer around all the time. It drives me absolutely insane to have him drink most nights when we're just sitting around the house. I let it eat and eat at me (no pun intended (I say while searching for food)) until I finally said something. I told Tim that I did not have that going on around me all the time growing up and I don't want it to be that way around Greyson, especially if he is succeptable to my family's addictive personality. I point out that he has had beer every night for almost 2 weeks. And he usually finishes a six-pack, so it's not just A beer. And it REALLY bothers me. He has said he honestly doesn't think drinking a six-pack is that big of a deal. I recognize that I may have a warped view, but really? Really? Night after night, and not just at a party? I don't buy that. He says he'll "work on it" and doesn't drink on Saturday. I appreciate the effort. Then he goes out specifically to get a six pack the next night. Why? We're just going to watch a movie. Oh, that calls for beer! Maybe I should ask him to pick me up some white donuts while he's there, huh?

What I don't say if that when he is having his beers and starts sounding buzzed I am annoyed with everything he does and says. I don't find it cute. I don't find it sexy. I don't want to kiss him or cuddle him or smell his breath. I lie in bed wondering if he is starting to give off that horrible sour smell through his pores like his brother or if I'm just imagining it. I wonder if I can let it go, but I don't think so. I start to calculate the cost of all this beer. In the last two weeks, I'd say over $100. And if I'm being honest with myself, I have probably been spending big money on food in the past week since all I've been wanting to do is eat and sleep. I know all of these things are related, and I don't know how they will be resolved. I guess I have to try to figure out what I'm going to do about me and my own out-of-control feelings first. I don't feel like I have a right to complain about excess when I am just as much of a lush, but with food. But it doesn't seem fair that I don't get to feel conflicted about the drinking just because of my own shit. I guess we're both fucked-up but I feel like I have reached the point where I HAVE to work on it and I can't do it by myself.

There. At least I'm still too full to be hungry. But I am sleepy...

Best Shot Monday - Spittin' Image

Takes after his mama.



My real (read: serious) Best Shot of the week (and month) couldn't wait until today and is here

More Best Shots at Mother May I...

Happy Birthday Bonnie

Last Sunday we went for a relaxed birthday celebration for my friend Bonnie. The kiddos stripped down and played in the mud and water while the adults sipped delicious margaritas, munched, and talked. All the husbands actually came and shockingly, they appeared to survive! I think half of us had cameras out :)















More pics on My Flickr
Tanya's Flickr
Andrea's Flickr
and
Bonnie's Flickr
Navigate left on all of these as usual

Bone tired

I apologize for the sudden influx of posts, but I will supposedly get to sleep late tomorrow. I've been wanting to post some things this week but have been really really busy.

I am so tired. I don't know if I am trying to do too much, or if Greyson is just wearing me out, or if I'm just staying up too late. Well, I know I'm staying up too late. But I am freaking worn down. I feel like I look beat, too.

I found out I had hypothroidism almost 2 years ago and haven't had my levels checked in over a year. I think that might be partially to blame. I don't have a doctor here yet (of any kind) and I need to get on it. E-mail me if you have any suggestions.

Yaaaaawn......

But this is my only opportunity to post!

Djembabes

Last week we met up with some friends and their kiddos at Central Market to see and hear the Djembabes, a group of women who drum and sing African music. It was so fun. The music was amazing and we all got into the groove. The kiddos rocked out and the mamas soon followed. Greyson sometimes won't dance out it public, but this time he was really into it! Later Tim took him home so I could stay for the next set. I danced my ass off at that point and I didn't care about what I looked like. I felt good. I was SOAKED in sweat afterwards. Now I totally want to take African dancing in addition to African drumming! It was such a great release. Afterwards I got to hang out and talk to my friend Stephanie. I hadn't really gotten the chance to sit and talk to her one on one without kids before, and I really enjoyed it. This night is another example of what I love about Austin.









**ETA: Forgot to say...More on my Flickr - start here and go left**

Layla

It has become less frequent for me lately that I produce a photograph that I really love. But I really love this one and so I couldn't wait to share it. This is Jenni's beautiful daughter. She is a stunner and I could tell that it would come through on film (file?).

I was not supposed to look at pictures from today until I finish the retirement party, wedding, Djembabes, birthday, and playsilks pictures.

But I could not resist on this one.

A Helluva Good Time

I FINALLY got around to looking at the pictures I took at Game Night last Monday. I hosted a shin-dig at my house for some of my ladies...I guess we had upwards of 15 of us there?

We started out the night with Mad Gad which was hilarious as always. Then on to Cranium Wow which I think is a lot of fun (not sure what everyone else thinks). During the games we had intermissions where we talked about such topics as the sexual organs of our friends that could not be there. Then we decided to come up with our own "Dirty Mad Gab." I don't think I can post what we came up with here in case I should have to register as an X-rated blog. Six or seven pages of the most vulgar shit you can think of! Have I mentioned that I love my mom's group? One mom asked how dirty it could be. I said as dirty as you want it to be mama and let me tell you that she got dirty. I nearly snarfed my delicious rum punch!

Those brave enough to stick around 'til the end stayed well past midnight (gasp!) playing Guitar Hero. I laughed so hard and had such an incredibly good time. In the morning (especially after rereading the Dirty Mad Gad list) I worried that some mamas might have been uncomfortable, but I hope not. More game nights to come!!

Love ya, Mamas!!

Pics where I appear are taken by Donna. More at my Flickr starting here.



















And my new favorite picture of myself (taken by Donna)...

Damn it Oprah!

Why? Why in God's name do I always watch Oprah when I'm on my period??

I'm crying through an episode where children talk about their feelings about their parents' divorces. These kids read letters that they had written to their mother who left them two years ago. They have not seen her since that day and it was freaking heart wrenching. I mean, my parents got divorced when I was already an adult and it still pissed me off.

So I am crying like an idiot and now I have to go get G at daycare. Great. They already think I am dropping him off so I can sit at home and watch Oprah (oops) and now I come in with red, puffy eyes.

And I SWEAR I have been working on pictures the whole time!

Well, not now.

But you know what I mean.

Best Shot Monday - Summer Vibe

Wow, I can't believe I haven't blogged since last Monday. I had Greyson home with me all week and I swear I didn't have a second to myself! Now that he's back at school a couple of days this week, I will have to catch up.

This week's Best Shot for me came when I was holding this sweet baby and chilling out at Central Market listening to awesome African drumming and singing. It was hot, but the sun was starting to go down and I was really feeling the summer vibe. I hate that I chopped his ear, but I was actually shooting with my camera on my shoulder instead of up to my eye. Oh well. Actual summer in Texas may be stifling, but I do still love the idea and feeling of "summer."



P.S. Thanks for the tip on how to get bigger pix Melissa!

Beautiful Bride

This week my Best Shot comes from the wedding I shot on Friday (see description under "Assisting" post!). Whatever issues I had with the way the photography was handles, I thought the wedding was wonderful and the bride was absolutely beautiful. I haven't looked through them all yet, but this one caught my eye as one I really like. Something about her expression and the warmth of the light.

A Bust

Well, Father's Day definitely didn't turn out how I planned. I get overly excited about holidays and birthdays and I almost always feel let down after they're over but this time was really bad.

My idea:
Tim sleeps in
G and I wake him with breakfast and new Guitar Hero
we lounge around in pjs and maybe play some GH
Tim goes to gym
maybe sex during naptime
take some father/son photos with my new backdrop (I'd like one of these for my office)
play outside together
I make a yummy dinner
watch a movie after G goes to sleep?

How it went down:
Tim sleeps in (woohoo-got one right)
We bring in Guitar Hero but T seems unimpressed and goes back to sleep
G and I play
Tim wakes up and goes to the gym
G and I play
Tim hangs up on me for the first time ever b/c I say I can't understand him when he is mumbling on the phone (??)
I go to sleep while Tim gives G lunch and puts him down
I go to the grocery store while Tim and G watch Bambi
Tim and I have some kind of weird argument going on where he thinks I'm yelling at him when really I just thought he was on the other side of the house when I ask for help with groceries
Tim refuses to talk about weird vibe and answers everything with, "Whatever." and "Whatever you say."
I wonder if we have a bigger problem than I thought and start to get a stomach ache
Continue with uncomfortable vibe
Tim gets pissed because the movie he went to see alone was sold out
Tim doesn't eat any of the dinner I make (which is one of his favorites). He's "not hungry."
Tim lays on the couch while G and I eat at the table
We sit in total silence on opposite sides of the living room while G plays for 15 minutes
I get G ready and read him stories while Tim sits in the dark (sleeps?)in the office
Tim puts G to bed while I do dishes
Tim comes out and says he's going to bed at 8:15
He leans over to kiss me, pauses, then kisses my forehead instead
I sit here and wonder what the hell is going on and feel like crying
Oh hey, here it comes

I guess maybe we have a problem that I wasn't aware of?

Happy Father's Day.

Why I Love Austin #1

Just one of the many reasons I love Austin:

Last night I was driving down Guadalupe downtown and I was overtaken by about 50 motorcycles. They came up behind me and flowed around me like a stream. Once they passed me by, I was thinking of how cool that was when I was overtaken by about 20 men on bicycles. With their bodies painted. In only thongs. I had to honk at that! Once I put it all together I laughed at the fact that Austin is so awesome as to have a huge biker rally and a huge gay pride parade on the same day. Then I make my way to the party where I will be taking pictures and as soon as I get there Elvis intro music starts playing and in dances an Elvis impersonator. All this within 15 minutes. I love Austin.

Mad Gab

I am so late posting this, but I wanted to get some pics up...

About a week ago, I went to my friend Tanya's house and did some Mandala coloring and hanging out. I love to color and it was nice to just chill. Then as the night wore on I brought out one of my favorite games...Mad Gab.

So you try to read the phrase on the card and guess what you are actually saying. It helps to read it out loud. Did you give it a shot? The card above says, "Make a suggestion." Trust me, it's fun.
Everyone was laughing so hard, but Stephanie by far took the cake. I was laughing more at her laughing than at the game. It feels good to belly laugh for an hour!


























And Christen closing with a blow job story!