Totally F#%*ed Up

I have a long, complicated, fucked-up history with alcohol adn addiction in general. Both of my parents are alcoholics. I have memories of visiting my dad in treatment and all of the groups that followed - Sunshine Kids (I think it was called), Alakids, Alateens, etc.... My mother started out in Al-Anon and then went to AA as well. I basically grew up in and around meetings and that culture. That did not stop me from drinking in excess, especially in high school where I would drink very quickly to get drunk and almost always to the point of passing out. Luckily, I outgrew the worst of it by the time I turned 21 - well by the time I got to college, really. I still enjoy having drinks (and yes - getting a good buzz) when I go out to party or have people over, but I'm not really one to just have drinks in the evening at home.

But my addictive personality reared its head in another way -eating. I quickly gained a LOT of weight and have been up and down ever since. Now I am 70 pounds heavier than my weight entering college (and again in 2004, briefly). I am feeling out of control with my eating. I eat and eat and then hate myself immediately afterwards and wonder why I can't just NOT DO THAT. For example this morning I was feeling tired and ugly and pissed off at myself for being disgusting - so what did I do? I went and bought and ate a whole bag of white donuts. Which (I looked afterwards) was way more calories than I'm supposed to have in a whole day. It's impossible to say what I'm thinking while I'm eating them and as soon as I'm done I want to cry or go to sleep. But even when I am aware that this is how it will end I do not stop doing it. I am embarrassed when I see pictures of myself and embarrassed that this is the only way my new friends know me. That being said, there is almost nothing I dread more than running into someone who knew me as the athletic, active person I once was. I know I should excercise, but then it all seems like too much of an ordeal and I think, "Oh I'm soo tired. It really would do me better to get some rest." And so on and so on ad nauseum. This must really be bothering me, because it's not at all what I originally started this post to say.

Needless to say, I have my issues with addiction.

So let me get back to it. I grew up with parents in AA through college. Now they both drink again, though separately after a nasty divorce. I guess they consider themselves "cured"?? Anyway it is a weird feeling to see either of them drinking.

Now, Tim's family. They drink. A lot. Like every day. Tim's older brother is a practicing alcoholic. Tim diesn't find it out of the ordinary to have beer around all the time. It drives me absolutely insane to have him drink most nights when we're just sitting around the house. I let it eat and eat at me (no pun intended (I say while searching for food)) until I finally said something. I told Tim that I did not have that going on around me all the time growing up and I don't want it to be that way around Greyson, especially if he is succeptable to my family's addictive personality. I point out that he has had beer every night for almost 2 weeks. And he usually finishes a six-pack, so it's not just A beer. And it REALLY bothers me. He has said he honestly doesn't think drinking a six-pack is that big of a deal. I recognize that I may have a warped view, but really? Really? Night after night, and not just at a party? I don't buy that. He says he'll "work on it" and doesn't drink on Saturday. I appreciate the effort. Then he goes out specifically to get a six pack the next night. Why? We're just going to watch a movie. Oh, that calls for beer! Maybe I should ask him to pick me up some white donuts while he's there, huh?

What I don't say if that when he is having his beers and starts sounding buzzed I am annoyed with everything he does and says. I don't find it cute. I don't find it sexy. I don't want to kiss him or cuddle him or smell his breath. I lie in bed wondering if he is starting to give off that horrible sour smell through his pores like his brother or if I'm just imagining it. I wonder if I can let it go, but I don't think so. I start to calculate the cost of all this beer. In the last two weeks, I'd say over $100. And if I'm being honest with myself, I have probably been spending big money on food in the past week since all I've been wanting to do is eat and sleep. I know all of these things are related, and I don't know how they will be resolved. I guess I have to try to figure out what I'm going to do about me and my own out-of-control feelings first. I don't feel like I have a right to complain about excess when I am just as much of a lush, but with food. But it doesn't seem fair that I don't get to feel conflicted about the drinking just because of my own shit. I guess we're both fucked-up but I feel like I have reached the point where I HAVE to work on it and I can't do it by myself.

There. At least I'm still too full to be hungry. But I am sleepy...