The Underwear Built for Two

This evening I have been entertaining myself by looking at hilarious items for sale on the intrawebz. I can not stop laughing. I can not reveal to you my sources, because I plan to spread them out. (That's what she said.)

So I was looking at Fundies (the underwear built for two) on Amazon when my eye was drawn to the "Customers who bought this item also purchased" area. There I encountered hilariosity.

The items ranged from things that obviously went with the Fundies purchase to things that disturbed me. I could not stop thinking that these items would be used in sex play...but how?

Allow me to explain:

Sex Dice
Condom Variety Pack
Sexy Board Games
Blindfold
Sex Scratchers: 100 Sexy Lottery Tickets
Furry Metal Handcuffs
Books like Tickle His Pickle and The Low Down on Going Down
satin sheets
various "massagers"

so far pretty normal items to go with Fundies


towels (hmm)
2G SD cards

getting a little more interesting


then come the head-scratcher movie selections

Seven (sexy how?)
Supertroopers (Who wants a mustache ride?)
Footloose (this was particularly confusing to me until I remembered the abnormal hugeness of Kevin Bacon's dong. Coincidence?)


now it gets weird

Fart Pen: Pull the finger for fart noise (a real turn-on)
Slingshot Flying Monkey with scream sound (I'm not sure what to say about this)
Caphalon Contemporary Non-stick 10-inch omelette pan (for spanking, surely)


Then it just turns sick with:

Leapfrog Counting Maracas

I don't want to even speculate on how those maracas were put into use.


Methinks this checking out what people also bought will be a fun new pastime of mine!


But I almost forgot one of my favorite parts: If you buy the Fundies, you can get a FREE 10x magnification mirror WITH suction cup! Just allow your imagination to run free with that situation. Yuck.


P.S. When I went back to get the link it had different and mostly not as funny "things people also viewed"...maybe because I logged out for fear of what Amazon will now recommend to me?? There was one product that scared me: a 1 oz bottle of "Liquid Virgin."

Honest to Dog

I just woke up from a nap, reached over to the side of my nightstand where I usually keep my glasses, slipped on my sunglasses, stretched, opened my eyes, and thought:

Holy Shit! How late did I sleep?!?!

Surreal

I just saw Synecdoche, New York with my friend Allison and I have many thoughts and feelings about the film. I'm not going to get into them on this post, but I will say that I was reading other people's responses to the movie just now and I can't even understand what they are trying to say.

After the movie I went over to Barnes and Noble for a little browsing. I guess the movie affected me even more than I thought because everything seemed so fucked up and staged. Honestly I felt a little like I was on drugs. The best thing about feeling that way without actually being on drugs was the fact that I could observe the weirdness and feel a little freaked out about it without actually getting too scared and panicking.

Cases in point:

As I walk up to the door, a man rushes out holding an infant carrier in one hand and pulling a screaming toddler with the other. He looks at me pleadingly for a second too long and gives me the willies.

When I get inside, the first thing I see is Extremely Tall and Skinny Man with Coke Bottle Glasses and a Stringy Black Skullet. His black t-shirt and black jeans are faded almost to gray and he is walking a few paces in each direction looking frantically for something. He seems sinister somehow and I give him wide berth.

At this point I am becoming aware of the weird vibe and know it is from the movie. I go with it and think, "This could be an elaborate set and I am the only audience member."

I turn the corner and bump into a girl walking swiftly toward the escalator. Behind her is a small older Korean woman I assume to be her grandmother. And she appears to have no arms. Armless Korean Grandmother, of course! I sneak back around the displays and upon a second look I see that she has clasped her hands behind her back and draped her cardigan over her shoulders so that the sweater arms hang limply over her hidden ones.

I start to wonder if maybe I should be taking notes and search in my purse for a notebook, which I don't find. I head back to look through the memoir section and they have moved it since I was last there which confuses me. I wonder if the set director could possibly have made this big of a mistake and the thought causes me to feel a little bit cross-eyed, like the time in high school where a guy gave me some pills of his mothers that didn't make me feel messed up but made my eyes cross unless I smacked myself on the side of the head.

I start to browse at the table in the middle with games on either side. I watch the Sullen High School Girl Working at Bookstore and think she is overdoing it a bit. Hair pseudo-haphazardly pinned up with about twenty clips, black argyle kneesocks and clunky black shoes. Short bangs and a thick layer of burgundy lipstick...you know the type. Next year at this time there will be a lip ring right in the center of her pouty lower lip.

My attention back on the games, I am joined by Teenage Couple. She is a small, spunky Asian girl and he is a tall, pimply white boy. He is hunched over and I am not sure whether it is his normal posture or whether it is so that he can comfortably keep his hand in the back pocket of her jeans. She starts to read to him from the back of a game that has something to do with seeing how dirty your mind may be. "I can only get laid once. The question is whether I came first." She cuts her eyes at him and blushes as she reads and even though the answer is horribly obvious he clears his throat and blushes back, mumbling, "I don't know." She presses him for a guess, putting her hand up on his chest and he shuffles his feet and coughs some more. All this with his hand still securely in her pocket.

I walk around the fiction section for a minute and notice how the hushed chatter and soft laughter totally seems piped in over the speakers. People seem to start talking when I get close and stop when I walk away.

Riding up the escalator, I wonder if I am supposed to notice the musical ch-ch-chhhh ch-ch-chhhh of the stairs. It is way quieter upstairs and straight ahead all four seats are full of the people who always seem to get the good chairs. Three people not even reading but staring off into space and one person sleeping. All three of the awake people seem to be staring at the same point in the center of the square of chairs, which seems especially strange.

I notice a tall, busty red-headed lady browsing in psychology and decide to spy on her. She is Woman Browsing Self Help Section. So cliche. She's middle-aged, pretty under too much makeup, wearing a pink sweater that clashes terribly with her overly orange dyed hair. She is ever so slightly pudgy and tugs at her trousers after lifting up on tiptoe to see a title. I can't tell whether she gives off a meek vibe or whether I am putting that mojo on her myself.

I head around the shelf to the craft section and bump into Nerdy College Guy Working in Bookstore. I knock a book off the cart he is pushing and he actually says "Argh." I apologize but he just pushes his glasses up his nose and looks at the floor before squeaking away, his badge clanging against the cart.

Over in the craft section I start to notice Loud Talking Asshole Guys somewhere out of my sight. The first thing I pick up on is, "Just like that Prop 8 bullshit in Cali." Guy 2 remarks, "Isn't it so awesome how that worked out? They totally thought they had it - that all the African Americans and minorities who voted for Obama would be on their side. But they got fucked - haha!"

Now I get up off the floor and move to the other side of the aisle so I can see them. I have the feeling that they can't actually see me, so I openly stare. One guy is standing, untucked button-down shirt with open collar sticking out from his blazer jacket. Her has trendy glasses and one of those spiky hairdos meant to distract from male pattern hair loss. The second man is short, sits with his ass on a display (pushing books all out of whack) and wears those god-awful leather mules that some men think look good. Black hair sprouts out of all his toe-knuckles and his toenails are almost perfectly half-yellow - like nail fungus finally cured and growing out or perhaps red nail polish left on too long. I lose interest in what they are saying once they move on to the how's business part of the conversation and all I hear is the inappropriate volume of their exchange.

Once I'm outside I stand for awhile looking in the windows at people. When it's dark outside it really does seem staged. Since you walk down stairs to go in, the view from outside the glass lets you see within each row - above the stage. People seem even more animated without sound. Two old ladies make HUGE amazed faces at each other, laugh, and sock each other on the arms. A man talks to a woman while she looks at a book on the shelf, completely ignoring him. Outcast Teenager sits on the floor in the graphic novel section with white earbuds in, furiously sketching what I can see (from my vantage point) are Manga girls with large breasts, wet eyes, and tiny waists - the exact opposite of her.

The light given off by streetlights always seems weird to me but walking to my car felt so strange that I started to think I was walking funny...what should I do with my arms?

When I got home I tried explaining this all to Tim but I don't think it made tons of sense, as I'm sure it doesn't here, either.

Weird movie, weird night. But both were fun.

***Please excuse my punctuation - I am too tired to go back and check it...***

Is It So Wrong...

that when your toddler finds a condom wrapper under your bed you tell him that it's a candy wrapper?

I have a feeling this one may come back to bite me.

Holy Hell

Sometimes when we have the volume turned all the way down on our computer speakers we hear scary sounding men reading scripture through them. It always happens late at night. It is happening RIGHT NOW! It is so so quiet that I can't tell exactly what he's saying. I put the speaker up to my ear and I could hear "and he said unto him," vengeance," and "his wrath." It is so scary. This time the man sounds like the preacher from Carnivale. What in the hell is going on? Can one of my sciency friends please give me a logical explanation?

Capital h, little a

This lady probably my grandmothers age said, "This Thanksgiving I'm going to my daughter's house and my grandchildren and I are going to play capital w, little i, little i!" For some reason this was so funny to me that not only did I snarf my Diet Coke, but I also laughed far louder and longer than was appropriate. I am so rude.

Election Night

This is so super late, I know.

Christen and I went downtown on election night to get the vibe of the people. It was really cool being down there even though we were in line when they called the election. We ran over to the first bar we saw that had tv and sound and sat to watch. When Obama came on to speak there was much hugging and crying. Looking out the window we could see random people skipping down the sidewalk and people hugging everywhere. Cars honked as they rolled up and down the street. It was awesome! - thanks Christen!

Tim Farted on My Pillow

According to Superbad, this is likely the way I got F'N PINK EYE.

I haven't suffered through this since I was little. I thought I had a torn contact but no. It is horrible trying not to touch my eyes or Greyson at all.

Damn you, Tim.

*******
Jeezum Crow! I accidentally had this posted on the family blog that my grandma reads! Oops.
*******

AND NOW STREP.

Christen, bathe yourself and Aidan in antibacterial soap. Sorry to expose but we had an awesome time at the protest.

First antibiotics since pre-preggo and unmarried coming right up!

Carving Out Some Time

For some reason I was suddenly inspired to look into local volunteer opportunities. I found tons of cool sites that hook you up with people who need volunteers.

I have limited time but was thinking I could carve out 1-2 hours after school once or twice a week so I searched with that in mind.

Here's one that I found that I wanted to share:
Patient Care Volunteer -A*Med Community Hospice

We need volunteers to provide companionship to our patients and/or families in Travis, Williamson, and Bastrop counties. The schedule is flexible and depends upon you and the patient/family/facility that you agree to be assigned. You may run errands, sit with patient, read to patient, walk their dog, spend time with their children or just be present.


I was thinking about the nurses and staff when my Papa was in hospice and how amazing they were. I meant to write them a thank you after he passed away but I guess I never really thought about it again.


Another cool one I saw that seems more temporary was
Austin/Travis County Homeless Count/Survey

“Stand up and be counted” 2009 Point in Time Count and Survey OFFICIAL VOLUNTEER CALL What is the point-in-time count?

The point in time count occurs every two years and is a census of all homeless persons in Travis County. Cities nationwide will be participating in similar counts this year and reporting the data to the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). We will also be conducting a voluntary survey in conjunction with the count this year. In 2007, there were 80 volunteers participating in the count and 2,148 unsheltered homeless individuals counted.

Why is it important?
The homeless count and survey will help identify who is homeless in Travis County and provide us with a baseline number of homeless individuals. The data collected will be useful on many levels:

· It will give Travis County leverage when applying for federal or private aid to maintain and/or improve service delivery to the homeless population.

· The count can be used to measure progress towards ending chronic homelessness by 2014.

· It will increase public awareness of the homeless population in Travis County.

· It will allow agencies to improve their ability to plan and implement effective services for homeless persons.

****************

Anyhoo there were tons of links to one-time events such as walks/fundraisers.

I Googled "volunteer opportunities".

I'm not posting this to say oh look at me I'm great or oh you should be doing this. It just seems like I think about volunteering and I think about it and think about it but it never happens. Maybe announcing it to the universe (my blog readers, you are my universe!) will push me to make it happen. I emailed the Hospice so maybe it's working already.

PMSing and feeling emotional!!

Beatboxalicious

This girl ROCKS MY WORLD.

I know I've said before that I love beatboxing, but I will say it again: I love beatboxing.

Is she awesome or what?

BrushaBrushaBrusha

Greyson's new thing to do while I brush his teeth is to brush in my cleavage with his old toothbrush. He is convinced there is "poo-poo in there." It's so nice being reminded twice a day that your boobs are so unperky and nonapartfromeachother that your toddler is sure they're an ass.
Sigh.
;)

So Much

I am reading this book called The Man on the Ceiling and it is unlike anything I've ever read before. Aside from the fact that I am having a hard time sorting out my feelings about the book, there are many things the authors have said that I have wanted to write about. I'll do that later, but for now something they said seems appropriate for today.

I can't find the actual passage because I forgot to mark it, but it says something to the effect that she "looked at him as if she couldn't believe he was her child." I have been feeling like this a lot lately. And in context it was meant as being incredulous that such an amazing person is possible. G has had another big language jump in the last two weeks and more often than not when his is conversing with me I find myself smiling dumbly at him because he is just more than I can even take in. Amazing. I honestly can't believe it sometimes - not only that he is my son (and this has nothing to do with biology - in fact the son in the book is adopted - and everything to do with the fact that we are mother and son to each other), but even that such an unbelievable little person can even exist.

It makes me dizzy.

Barometric Pressure

I swear the barometric pressure causes craziness. Every time I have an insane day I think, "Oh it must be a full moon." Adn it never is but it IS always during a change in weather.

Today was awful. Super crazy morning, pissed off teacher, war with parent via email, G cracks head open and needs stitches, stuck in traffic forever, mess up sleeve in shirt I'm making THREE times, break needle on sewing machine, screw up wrap-n-mat I'm making almost beyond hope, can't even eat a jelly bean without dropping it on the floor and then it turns out to be a nasty flavor and I have to spit it out.

GOOD NIGHT!

Tomorrow will be better, I am absolutely sure of it...

One More Thing

Before I go:

The mock election at my elementary school:
563 votes cast

Popular Vote:
Obama 352
McCain 199
Barr 12

Electoral Votes (27 classrooms, 1 vote each)
Obama 25
McCain 2

From the mouths of babes...

Steppin' Out!

EXCITING! My friend Christen is coming to get me and we're going downtown, baby. Election watch parties here we come!

I can't wait to be among the masses (brain saying:pleasepleaseplease).

See you on the flip side...

Butterflies!

I am so nervous. Nail-biting already over here. Eight years and four years ago I got very emotionally involoved and was totally crushed. Last time I was in shock for awhile, I think. I have been so gun shy this time. I support who I support but I honestly have been holding back on the hope a little.

But I feel it coming on, creeping up.

The hope.

Here's the old video that helped spark the tiny flame I've had burning in my heart all along but have been afraid to feed. Worth another watch on this night.

As my friend Anj said...come on Universe!



And I couldn't love you any more than I already do even if you were an Obama supporter Jenni! ;)

Vote for G!

I know there eight, but I had a million and this is as far as I can narrow them down!

True That!

Less than 5 minutes to True Blood!!!

Bill....mmmmm...you can climb naked out of the ground and ravage me anytime!

Home alone, too!
hehehe


Only first 1:20 is sexy...then not. Didn't want you to think I was too weird!

I'll be looking for the coming out of the ground clip later!

Purrrrr!

Favorite

I went to Maker Faire both days this year. I had such a blast. I took Greyson with me the first day and we did lots of exploring in the science part and rocked the robowars! I came back minus child on Sunday and took like 700 pictures :) I don't have time to go through them all right now, but I wanted to post just one. This was my favorite item in all of the Faire. I wanted it soooo badly. But I didn't bring my wallet (on purpose) and thank goodness. Pretty cool, huh? It's from Xylocopa Design.

How Clean is My House?

So clean that when my friend Jenni came in for one minute her lovely children (pictured below) huddled close to her, EACH with one hand in hers and one hand delicately pinching nostrils closed.

I WILL CLEAN TOMORROW!

Always tomorrow, it seems...

Can't Help It

Okay ONE more of Mr. T...


And here I must have said, "Okay, now everyone scratch their nose..."


And this one because the kids are doing their own thing and this could be any moment of the day and Micah is looking at Jenni like that...


And what the hell...one more


Jenni, I SWEAR I am almost done! Tomorrow night!!
;)

Word.

A kindergartner said to me this morning with a perfect straight face:
"You have the silly behavior."

Eat Him Up

(Color's a little weird because we were under a red and white umbrella...)

?

I just finished watching Billy Elliott. I've seen it a few times before, but I guess it had been awhile. That movie kills me. I mean, it really does slay me. My eyes are practically swollen shut. I forgot how much I love it.

I get so emotionally involved in movies, some shows, some books. My chest was actually hurting in some parts of this movie. I have been known to go into full-on sobs in movie theaters, on planes, in doctor's offices. After I saw Hotel Rwanda (by myself) I sat in the parking lot and cried for almost an hour. I had to call my mom and have her help me calm down. It was the holiday season and I couldn't listen to the trivial bullshit on the radio for days afterwards.

On the flip side, I have peed in my pants laughing at movies more times than I care to count. People have turned around to stare. I swear I could barely breathe in sitting next to my friend Anj when we saw Pineapple Express. Good thing she is demonstrative too since I kept finding myself smacking her on the arms and legs while laughing.

Not only did I laugh and cry my way through the last Harry Potter, but I also laid in bed and cried afterwards because it was all over. I love Haven Kimmel and her family so much that when I read her stories I feel it like a stone in the pit of my stomach. Davis Sedaris makes me laugh so hard I have dropped not one, but two of his memoirs into my bathtub.

Sometimes I wish I could let things slide a little more - it's only a television show, for Christ's sake! I actually had to stop watching ER because I was crying myself into a headache every freaking week. When I watch 30 Rock or Arrested Development it is so funny to me - SURELY funnier to me than anyone else - so perfectly "my sense of humor" that it seems odd that I am not friends with those people in real life. They would like me! I'm sure of it! What? That's not sad, is it?

Yes, I have an active imagination. I have always gotten so involved in my books that I can't hear or see what's going on around me. Many times I absolutely have no idea if I have seen a movie of a book I have read. I will argue with myself - have I seen it or not? My brain creates such vivid scenes and scenarios when I read a really good book that I honestly am not sure.

Are other people like this, or am I an extreme case?

I went to see Rendition with people from work. I didn't even think it was that great of a movie, but I was so profoundly disturbed by the situation and the fact that it was true that when the lights came up I was sobbing away. None of the other EIGHT ladies were crying. In fact they seemed surprised that I was. Tim rolls his eyes when I come out of the bathtub with a runny nose and swollen eyes where I have been reading Edward's Eyes - a children's book (for god's sake again).

Honestly, however inconvenient - I wouldn't get rid of this strange part of myself. I am sometimes incredulous that other people aren't as moved as I am. I guess this is just a piece of what makes me that nut that I am.

P.S. I have been agonizing over finding the right one word to describe a person who is completely taken in by something. Can you help? Zealot sounds too negative...

Ow!

I think I hurt my shoulder doing the Thriller dance with a class of third graders in the library. Do you think workman's comp covers that?

P.S. Now can you see how the title to this post was really a Michael Jackson exclamation? Had to point that out since I noticed it sounded better in my head. Which is true for pretty much everything.

You Can Hear Her Head Hit the Pole..

In the spirit of entertainment...


You have to listen carefully...make sure no kiddies are around.

Redstache

I went to school on Wednesday with a lip red enough to cause fifth graders on the news crew to talk directly to it. I got to school at 7:05. I waxed my lip at 6:45. It was an emergency session. As I was carrying G out to the car to go to daycare, he started petting my upper lip like it was a small furry pet. We went back inside and I took care of the beast. Sigh.

Lest you think that I am overdoing my descriptions of my battles with hair, I will include a picture of my father. Before you examine the photo know that he is NOT wearing a long-sleeve black shirt.



SEE?!????!!!

And also, gee can you guess what they had been doing?

Won't You Join Me?

Okay, after a rough week of the universe forcing me to acknowledge my fatness, I have decided to try a new approach. This time I am going to work on fitness first and let the food follow. I tend to eat better when I am exercising and I am NOT exercising.

I have a book called Running for Mortals: A commonsense plan for changing your life through running by John "the Penguin" Bingham that lays out a very specific training plan that is intended to take away many of the reasons people get hurt when training or starting to run. For example, I ALWAYS try to do too much, too soon and end up hurt or giving up.

This is a baby-steps program going from just walking to "walk 3; run 2" for the Trail of Lights (or any other local 5k)on/around Dec 13th.

I hope that from there we can set our sights on the Cap 10k (or other) and baby-step our way a little farther.

I am really crossing my fingers that some of you will want to do this. I would like to try to get together when we can to group walk/run if you are in Austin. This will be even easier for some of you who are already excercising at the same times on your own. That way I will HAVE to keep up with the plan or I won't be able to keep up! The best part is that everything is between 30 mins and an hour and can be done with a stroller no sweat! I always played team sports and do much better when a group is involoved. Even if it's nothing more than checking in on the board, it would help.

That means you non-Austinites! We can still help each other over the intrawebz!

I copied down the training plan wth only minor changes because of the closer date (Sirens! Copyright police! Bad librarian.) Let me know if you wanna do it and I'll send you the file.

Please be aware that the Strength section on Thursdays can also be made into a rest day. I combined the 5k program with the weight loss program...

I started it this week just because the first week has no running and I know lots of you are probably walking already. If you don't jump in 'til Wed (for example), it should be no sweat. If you start Tuesday, just walk instead of Strength train that day, kwim?

And for the preggers ladies out there, the book also has a walking-only training program if you prefer. I will post it if you're interested.

If you haven't been to the Trail of Lights (or the 5k specifically), it's really fun and the kiddos love it! It's a new tradition in our little family to do the 5k. And if you're not in Austin, I bet there is a Jingle Bell run or similar December 5k in your area, too! Or just do it to get off your arse...or just to be nice and help me get off of mine while I still have working furniture in my house!

Won't you join me?

Outtakes :)

But these have to be my faves:


Just another opportunity to plot the destruction of that traitor of a mother. Who's with me? Batman? Superman?


Heehee

Hot Mama

How hot is this mama?







Love ya Jenni!
;)

Gorgeous

How freaking cute is this little boy? Not only are his eyes to die for, but I have never seen lips like that on a child. Amazing.

Rock Bottom?

Although I am not any fatter than I was a month ago and am still in fact lighter than I was at this time last year, two things happened in the last two days that suck. Yesterday I jumped on the couch with Greyson and broke it. Really embarrassing for me even though no one saw it but me and G. Then today - the very next day - I learned way over in the office chair and broke the arm right off...it was screwed into the bottom of the chair and thus cracked the whole shit in half. What the hell. Seriously. So yes, universe, I realize I am too fat. Now lay the fuck off.

Craaaazy

I am very pissed at Tim right now. Background: I have had this weird feeling all day and I had convinced myself that I had somehow gotten fiberglass inside of all of my clothes causing me to itch and feel sharp sticks all day long. Then I'm sitting at the computer and I feel like ants are biting me but there aren't any whenever I check. Then Tim says oops I forgot to bring home your Effexor again today. Which means I haven't had it since Sunday morning. I start wondering if hmmm that might have something to do with it since I remember reading about withdrawal symptoms when I was looking up the pseudo acid trip it gave me at first. So I look it up and there is nothing but scary shit out there about stopping Effexor. Especially cold turkey. So then I am starting to panic and I feel nauseated. I want off if this crazy ass shit. But apparently I should do it very very slowly. So I go in to ask Tim can they transfer the prescription tomorrow so I can pick it up at lunch time and take it. He gets all defensive about oh, jeez, I said I'm sorry I forgot and blah blah you are jsut freaking yourself out blah blah. I realize I am freaking myself out. I just said that I feel ants and fiberglass on my whole body. This is not about you forgetting to bring it the fuck home. But I can't even discuss my impending panic attack with him because he is now in full defensive mode. I am so angry because I am feeling freaked out and scared that the other more scary side effects will start before I can take it tomorrow. And I have staff development all day to dwell on it. And now I have to sit here clawing at myself and talking to my computer about it instead of my husband becuase he has "already said sorry." That's lame.
And please don't tell me what the internet says about Effexor, I can not deal.

Pimple

Greyson had a gigantic pimple on his chin. Tim had bad cystic acne as a teenager and is so totally stressed that G is doomed to his genes that he considers this just the beginning. I tried to tell him it is the constant dirt and food and stickiness on his chin, but oh well. Anyhoo it has been ripe for a-poppin' multiple times in its long life (at least a week - I swear!). I tried doing it nonchalantly. Tears and running. I tried strapping him into the carseat, then popping. More tears, with screaming this time. I tried pinning him to the floor with my knees and pulling it off (no squeezing required at this point, I swear!) but other than providing much therapy fodder, it didn't work. Screaming and crying, "No pop it Mommy! I want Daddy!" until I finally felt guilty enough to stop trying. I had to have him put a pirate band-aid on his chin so I could stop fixating on it. I am telling you, it was a whitehead the size of a pea - surely I could just accidentally knock it off while wiping his mouth after dinner? Nope. He was wise to my game. So last night in the car out of the blue:

G: Mommy! No pop my pimple! I got pimple off!
Me: Oh! You got your pimple off? (Brain doing happy dance) Did it hurt?
G: No hurt!
silence
G: I eat it!

I Feel Pretty...

HA! Yeah, right.

I went to bed with SOAKING wet hair last night because there are zero clean towels in the house. I did rub my head with the t-shirt I had just taken off. So when I woke up this morning my hair was literally standing straight up. I never knew hair could actually do that - I have had long hair for so long. Head in the sink before heading off to work, class-E. Result: Frizzball hair and multiple cowlicks.

No clean bras (shocker) so had to wear way too small, no support lace bra that allows my boobage to pour out of the top, bottom, and sides.

I tend to walk hard on my heels which combined with my sad frizzy do and the unfortunate peasant top I selected today caused me to imagine myself as a sad old washerwoman, heavy breasts gently swaying to and fro, hither and yon. Sort of like Charlie's mother in the Gene Wilder Willy Wonka. But boobier and with a hump. And possibly a hairy mole on my cheek. Oh wait, I have one of those already. I can feel my nungas bouncing into my stomach and sadly the sides of my arms as I stomp down the hall. Nipples should not align with elbows. I guess it's time for me to start shopping for a sturdy Playtex eighteen hour typr bra with 16 hooks in the back. And possibly boning. In the meantime I guess I should go home and get my bucket and lye, lift my giant breasts to rest on the washboard, and get to scrubbing those towels and bras.

Epics

I have probably blogged about this before, but when I fall into a lull and it's been awhile without a post, I feel this pressure to post something witty next time. Then I think of a million things I want to say but none of them are witty. So I don't post anything and so on and so forth. So, since this blog is very cathardic for me, I am breaking the seal and hope to post much nonsense in the next few days.
Such as
Why do I enjoy watching religous epic movies so much? I am not religious, not a Christian even, but I have seen all of these movies over and over again. Jesus of Nazaerth, The Robe, King of Kings...I always watch those around Christmas and Easter. Right now I am immersed in The Last Temptation of Christ. Let's go back to my childhood. The obvious answer is Catholic school my whole life. Maybe it's the fact that I know all of these stories backwards and forwards, upside down and inside out. Maybe I just love a good epic movie - that is certainly true. I have a special soft spot for 50s and 60s epic films. I love Cleoparta just as much. I like Egypt movies, Rome ones, too. I watched Rome on HBO and was totally wrapped up. My mom is the same way...I don't know - she may consider herself Christian but she was never religious growing up. But we watched all these together. Watching them doesn't make me want to be a Christian. I just like them.I haven't seen The Nativity Story, but I probably will. I haven't seen The Passion of the Christ and I probably won't. This is essentially a pointless post, but it was just something I was thinking about as I flipped to this movie in the middle and found myself watching again. I wish I could sit and watch all the old movies I love - especially the ones I remember parts of (but not the titles) from when I was little and lying in my mom's bed with her...

Crypt Keeper

I just realized that McCain is the same age as my GRANDMOTHER. My grandmother doesn't even like to DRIVE anymore. She has to be reminded to take her meds. People help her up and down stairs. Holy crap.
Watching the debate now and all McCain's patronizing laughter is making my skin crawl.

Um....me?

I was reading to a class when a kid started rocking and chanting in a scary Exorcist voice, "God have mercy. God have mercy on your sooooouuuuul." And not to be funny.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Flake

I am really falling off of all kinds of wagons lately. I have plenty of valid (and ridiculous) reasons, but I have just been in my little hole lately. I haven't been doing much blogging or following my peeps' blogs. I plan to catch up on that ASAP. I got an email from Tim's mom asking for recent pics of G and I realized that I have not taken pictures of him in FOREVER. So I'm getting on that this weekend. I miss my mama friends a lot right now. I got to have such a fun time hanging out with everyone so often during the summer that it's been kind of a hard adjustment for me to not see them now :( Basically once I FINALLY get home and get G fed, bathed and bedded, I just want to veg. And now that the new tv season has started, I have the perfect excuse for myself. I am the queen of things getting forgotten and forgotten and forgotten until it's too awkward to do them or respond to them - do you know what I mean? So if I have not emailed you or called you back REMIND ME because I am a flake. And blogging - it could just be that I have not thought about anything interesting at all, but it's more likely that I think of things and then promptly forget them.
BUT I am coming out of my hole as of now, my friends.
And I have Friday, Oct. 10th off....can anyone get a sitter and play hooky with me for lunch and a movie??
Miss you!!

An Important Message...

Okay, so I apologize for the political posts, but I am starting to get a little fired up despite trying to remain calm. But I CAN NOT resist posting this, because it is far more funny than it is political... I f'n LOVE Sarah Silverman.

Yes, I should be picking up my poor neglected child from daycare, but here I am posting this first:

See more Sarah Silverman videos at Funny or Die

And why can't we do this for our redneck grandparents, too? Tim's live in Florida!

YIKES!

I'm sure most of you have already seen this, but yikes!
................................

As former GOP Senator Rick Santorum put it, "Everybody has a McCain story." Over his tenure in Congress, McCain has had angry, expletive-laced exchanges with a number of his colleagues and peers,- both Democrat and Republican alike- many of which have been covered extensively by local Arizona and nationwide news sources. Below are the ten most notable among them.

10. Senator Ted Kennedy - On August 6, 1993, the Boston Globe ran a story detailing a heated verbal exchange between Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy and McCain. Kennedy was at the lectern delivering remarks, when McCain began walking toward him from across the Senate floor, mocking the Massachusetts legislator. McCain shouted at Kennedy to "shut up." A stunned Kennedy fired back at McCain, telling him, "you shut up...and act like a Senator."

9. Democratic Rep. Marty Russo (D-IL) - In its December 1985 issue, Atlantic Monthly described an altercation that took place just a few years after McCain had been elected to the House for the first time. Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) found himself in the crossfire between the two Congressman, who were angrily shouting "seven-letter and twelve-letter" epithets back and forth at one another, when the exchange became violent and they began pushing and shoving one another. The two were separated from their tangle by a few other legislators who were nearby.

8. Former Phoenix Mayor Paul Johnson - Newsmax, the "conservative perspective" political publication run by Chris Ruddy, didn't cut McCain any partisan slack in a July 2006 article, in which it recounted a dust-up between McCain and some local government officials in his home state. Speaking at a luncheon at which McCain was in attendance, former Phoenix Mayor Paul Johnson was among a group of local mayors fielding questions from the Arizona Congressional delegation about local land issues. In the midst of one answer from Johnson, who helmed the city from 1990 to 1994, McCain blurted out, "Hold it a minute. Somebody write down everything this guy has to say. You know what, we need to record him. It's best to get a liar on tape."

Taken aback, Johnson offered the Senator a chance to speak privately, saying, "Senator, if you have a problem with me, why don't we go out in the hallway and talk about it."
McCain fired back: "You're God-damn right I have a problem with you! They've been treating you like a princess in Phoenix while they've been burning me over this damn deal, and I'm sick of it!"

7. Unidentified GOP Senator - Accounts of McCain's outburst at a Senate GOP policy lunch has reached near-epic proportion, having been written about by just about every blog and news site from Newsmax, to DailyKos, to the Huffington Post, to Wonkette, and so on. During a vitriolic exchange between McCain and another unnamed Senator who took a position contrary to that of his colleague from Arizona. McCain became infuriated, jumping from his chair and calling his fellow Republican a "shithead," prompting an immediate demand for an apology. McCain stood up again and issued it...sort of. "Okay, I apologize," he said. "But you're still a shithead."

6. Senator Pete Domenici - Newsweek's February 21, 2000 edition highlighted an exchange between McCain and Republican Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico, Chairman of the Budget Committee. In staunch disagreement with a particular portion of a budget amendment, McCain exploded. "Only an asshole would put together a budget like that." Domenici, who'd been in the Senate nearly 30 years by that point, gave a restrained reply, noting that even in the most heated debated throughout his entire career, no one had ever used that kind of language toward him. McCain didn't back down. "I wouldn't call you an asshole unless you really were an asshole."

5. Unidentified GOP Senator- In 2006, Ron Kessler of Newsmax wrote that much of McCain's unpopularity in the Senate stems from his 2000 campaign, when the vast majority- in fact, all but four- of his colleagues backed George W. Bush in the GOP primary. One of McCain's top aides recounted a telephone conversation between McCain and another Senator, who was explaining that he'd already committed to supporting Bush. When he finished, McCain bristled. "Fuck you," he said, and hung up, never to speak to him again.

4. Senator Strom Thurmond - In an article titled "Senator Hothead," The Washingtonian recounted one particular encounter between McCain and then-92-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina. McCain was giving an opening statement at a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing when Thurmond, the committee chairman, interrupted to inquire as to whether McCain was finished so that the proceedings could be moved along. McCain glared at Thurmond and thanked him for his "courtesy." McCain later confronted Thurmond on the Senate floor, and a "scuffle" ensued. "The two didn't part friends."

3. Senator Chuck Grassley - The same Newsweek article that outlined McCain's confrontation with Domenici pointed to a similar incident with Republican Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa. The two were debating issues related to soldiers who had been reported Missing In Action in Vietnam. After a blistering commentary by McCain, Grassley took offense. "Are you calling me stupid?" he asked.
McCain didn't miss a beat. "No, I'm calling you a fucking jerk."

2. Senator John Cornyn - On May 18, 2007, The Washington Post reported that McCain had locked horns with another one of his GOP colleagues, this time Senator John Cornyn of Texas. The Comprehensive Immigration Reform Bill of 2007 had caused an enormous rift among Republicans, and the two Senators found themselves on opposite sides. Cornyn objected to a provision of the bill that allowed for what he perceived as too many judicial appeals for illegal immigrants. McCain called his objections "chicken shit" and accused Cornyn of making petty tactics to sabotage the whole bill. Cornyn took immediate offense. "Wait a second here. I've been sitting in here for all these negotiations and you just parachute in here on the last day. You're out of line."
Then McCain, who'd been spending a lot of time away from Washington on his presidential campaign, got a little more out of line. "Fuck you!" he shouted. "I know more about this than anyone in this room!" McCain apologized shortly afterword.

1. His Own Wife, Cindy McCain - In his new book, The Real McCain, Cliff Schecter, a journalist and frequent contributor at the Huffington Post related perhaps the most disturbing of McCain's tirades. During his 2000 White House bid, the Senator was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, his aides, and three journalists who spoke to Schecter on condition of anonymity, but independently confirmed each other's accounts of the incident. Cindy McCain playfully ran her fingers through the Senator's hair and teased, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain reddened and fired back, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollup, you cunt." After he'd cooled down, McCain apologized, saying he'd had a long day.

weird

Am I the only one a little bit disturbed by a children's book called Mother Twaddle? There is just something unsavory about the word "twaddle", no?

Barf.

Greyson tried to drink out of my Diva Cup.

Not So Finances

The thing that really pisses me off (at this moment) is that I have been paying our bills since we started living together NINE YEARS AGO. We have always been living month to month and it has alwaysalways stressed me out. Many times I have tried to talk to Tim about the fact that we need to go to cash only, or no more beer more than once a week, or whatever, and he will never do anything or stick to any budget more than a week. That is not to say that I am far behind with my terrible attitude that it's not FAIR for him to get to spend $60 on a concert and I don't get to do anythink - off to the bookstore!
Well he is on the FIRST MONTH of attempting to pay the bills and is totally pissed off at me because we don't have any money to make it until next Thursday. Because it's all my fault, surely. And I can't count the number of times we have been in this sitation even if I used both hands and feet. But he acts like it is the first time this has ever happened. WHY didn't I pay X bill when it was due? Hmm, could it be because we don't have the f'n money in our account to cover the check? Just paying things blindly results in 10 $40 overdraft charges. Yes, we have no money. Yes, I have been stressing about that for NINE YEARS. One night of knowing that and he's slamming things around and not talking to me.
I hate money.

EEK!

Ick.




:

http://www.manipulator.com

Mr. Mel

I think I am officially the man in our relationship now (except the sex drive thing, of course). Tim has his feelings hurt from lack of sex. He is having body image issues because he thinks I am not attracted to him (wrong). And last night he actually said these words:

"I just want to say that I, like, have been doing a lot of trimming, like, down there, and you haven't even noticed." (Slams bathroom door)

I checked to see if I had grown a penis without noticing, but no.

Hmmm...

On the way home in the car (just Daddy and G):

G: Ouch! My penis!

T: What's the matter with your penis?

G: It's hungry!

T: What does it want to eat?

G: Bagels!

???

Bird Toot!

My designer friend Erika (ooooo, a "designer" friend, la-ti-da!) designed this HI-larious and super-cute shirt:



If you think it's cute too and are into supporting WAHMs, please go to http://www.threadless.com/submission/178065/Bird_Toot and give an awesome rating to the shirt! I know I will...And I might just buy one for my little bird, G. He certainly sings in that style...

I Can Not Believe This

But I got in a motherfucking accident. Just a fender-bender, but I am still crying randomly. My car is fine, like two little cuts in the front bumper. I am fine, G is fine. I was stopped at the yield from the northbound access road on 183 to McNeil. The girl in front of me went, I looked over my shoulder and went but the girl had stopped (for fuck knows what reason) about 5 feet in front of me. So I accelerated into her bumper but only for less than a car length. She has a dent in her fender and it looks like it may have come unattached a little on the side. I shit you not she called the police (fine, I've been screwed by assholes before, too), then said she wasn't sure if she hit her head (????) and felt dizzy. She requested an ambulance and the police, fire truck, and ambulance all rushed over and 6 people surrounded her. They simultaneously checked her blood pressure, asked her questions, and did blood sugar tests. I just sat there. The cops even rolled their eyes to me. I'm thinking fucking great. She decided not to go to the hospital, THANK GOD. Leaving I told her I hoped she was okay, and she said, "I don't know."

Now I can't stop getting weepy b/c stupid Tim's parents (who already hate me for every other reason) used their credit to help us get the car and therefore insisted we go on their insurance policy even though I told them we didn't have to. Now they have one more freaking reason to hate me.

And I have to come up with $250.

Fuck it all.

The Cat is out of the Bag

I have not had an orgasm in 29 days. If this scares or disturbs you in any way I suggest you hit the back button now before I start getting specific.

Last chance.

Okay, let me say this loud and clear: I CAN NOT HAVE AN ORGASM.
I have lost it. The ability, I mean. I knowknowknow it's the Effexor because there I was on day -1, depressed, dirty hair, unshaven legs - but AT LEAST I could have an f'n orgasm!!!!!!!!!!!! After I came down from the pseudo acid trip the meds put me on for the first 3-4 days I was dead below the waist. Now I have never had a super-duper sex drive and I've never been able to achieve with sex alone, but I have NEVER had a problem taking the matter into my own hands. With the help of minimal equipment. N.E.V.E.R.

I am going insane. At first I thought it was temporary, like the tracers. Then I started to get freaked out. I nearly permanently injured myself trying to remedy the situation. I tried sneaking up on it. Nothing for a few days, then WHAMMO! Nothing. Less than nothing. I tried thinking as dirty as possible before going to sleep in the hopes of sexy dreams. No. My nipples may as well be painted on. I might as well use my Brookstone back massager on my BACK, for Christ's sake!

Now I don't want to have anything to do with sex. Nada. Less than zero sex drive. Like I am actually repulsed by thinking about sex. I can't even summon the gusto for a fake sigh, much less a full scale production. Tim is feeling sad and neglected. It doesn't have anything to do with him, though. I am serious, I think it is an actual physical symptom. I think I am in some deep stage of grief for my lost orgasming ability.

I'm feeling blocked in other areas now, too. Blogging, for one. Taking pictures. Remembering things. I overheard someone saying someone else, "Needs to get laid," and I starting giggling maniacally and had to actually restrain myself from turning around and saying, "NO! She doesn't need to get laid, she needs a FUCKING ORGASM!" hahahahahahaha (picture wild-eyed psychotic Melanie here)

But it's only been 29 days on the meds and I haven't been crying as much. Or panicking as much. Or sleeping as much. My hair is clean. Legs...eh, still hairy. But I'll tell you what - this may cause me to go over the edge if it doesn't end soon. So which is more important?

I just got out of the bathtub. The best sensation I've had in a month is the chill I get when I put my head under the bathwater, let my ears fill all the way up with water, and then sit up and let the water drain out. Oh god, it feels so good. If I could get someone to brush my hair right now it might relieve some of the tension. But you could stick a subwoofer in my panties and I wouldn't notice.

Sigh.

A Double What Now?

Oh......standard!! That's what it was.



I love you, Jon Stewart.

Lunchtime Conversation

Scene: Teachers Lounge filled with teacher hunched over school lunches and diet sodas

Teacher:...and so I was in the next stall and I could hear the little girl saying, "Mama, why is it so dark down there?" and I am trying not to laugh, but the lady handles it very well and says, you know, "When you get older you will grow hair there, too." and the little girl says, "Uh-uh!"

General laughter from the peanut gallery

Teacher: So then the little girl says, "But so-and-so doesn't have it!" and all that...

More chuckling and head shaking

Me:(blurts out) That's when you say, "That's because your aunt is a SLUT!" HAHA!
Looks around for agreement with idiotic grin

Crickets.

Tumbleweeds.

Finally laughter from the one man in the room.

Jeez.

Gotta learn to control my outbursts.

The Sky is Falling

The sky is falling at work today. I want to crawl under my desk and hide.

This Little Piggy

Me: And what kind of animal goes oink oink?
G: Mommy!

Sigh. Starting Weight Watchers on Monday, at least.

Eye of the Beholder

It was meet the teacher and pick up supply time this morning. I was out in the hall greeting students and families all morning. It was so great. So, I get a big hug from a little girl going into first grade this year. As they walk away, I hear her mother say, "She seems nice." And the little girl says, "Yeah, and she's ALLLLLWAYS happy!" And you know what? It made me happy.
:)

Weirdness

I had such a weird situation happen. There's a guy I know who is pretty flirty with all the girls, but in a sort of non-threatening, older guy and married, but still sometimes a little uncomfortable kind of way. With all girls. So he asks me how I am and we visit. Then he asks me about Tim. Then he randomly says, "Well, you know me, I've got my damn wife...over there...you know. I don't want to mess around on her. I'm just that not that kind of guy. I mean I shouldn't mess around with someone else because I'm married. I need to stay together with her because of the kids..." I have no idea where this is going since it was totally out of the blue. So I nod and say uh-huh, yeah, etc. He says, "But I'm a MAN, is what I'm saying. And there are all these PEACHES around here! You know?" At this point I'm getting a little uncomfortable because I'm not exactly sure how to respond or how he is expecting me to react. So I say, "Well, you're not that kind of guy. I always tell Tim that I'm not the kind of girl who can forgive and move on if he cheats, so if he's gonna do it, he better be sure because that's it." Silence. He says, "It happened to me (his ex-wife cheated), I know! I shouldn't do it. But it's like walking through an orchard around here!" Now he's sort of walking away and I am out of things to say so I say something to the effect of, "Hang in there!" Totally weird. And pretty awkward. Not sure what that was all about or if I should have handled it differently.

***ETA: When I day "girls", I mean women. Especially women younger than him, but cougars also.***

Best Summer Pic

Is this not the most awesome picture ever? I so wish I had taken it, but alas it was taken by my good friend Andrea (Om Mami). She has been chosen as one of the 20 (out of 400!) finalists in the summer love photo contest on 5 Minutes for Mom.

If you have a sec, pop on over to the voting site and give it a quick look-see. I think you will find that hers is the BEST but your vote is up to you. But hers is the best. Did I mention my friend will win $500 if she gets the most votes? Hey, if I had thought that I had one that was better, I would have entered it - it's $500!! ;) But I don't have one better. Let's help a mama out - GO ANDREA (Om Mami) (#19)!!!

Soooooo...

Started Effexor XR yesterday. Hopefully this will help some. Yesterday and today I felt a little dizzy/light-headed and really jittery. Hopefully it's a temporary side effect because it is driving me nuts. 3-4 weeks to work, so I will try not to judge before then. How will I know if I'm less crazy? Fingers crossed.

Different

It's like Greyson knows something is different (his first full week back at daycare) and he has turned on the charm in the morning big time. He was super huggy and kissy this morning. He asked for me to color with him and I had to say no, that it was time to go to school. Total pang. But I know that this is right for us. Not only do we need the money, but I have found that I am the type of mother who does better with our setup. Maybe he's not being extra cute, maybe it just seems that way since I only got to see him for 45 minutes this morning. One of the things that I love is that when I am home from work the time we spend together feels so much more concentrated. We don't have time to annoy each other.

Every thing G says has been making me laugh lately. Last night we took a bath together and as always he quizzed me on parts:
G: What's that?
Me: That's Mommy's hair.
G: (Knocks head on toilet attempting to look under his penis for hair)
Me: You don't have hair there yet. You will get it when you are a teenager.
G: Huh?
Me: You'll have hair there too in about 12 years.
G:Where's you penis?
Me: Mommy is a girl and girls don't have penises, remember?
G: (gives penis a yank)
Me: But Daddy has a penis.
G: (laughs) Daddy no have penis!

And now Manga Tim

I think it kinda does look like him...although I think he has a fuller beard now and not just the goatee. But the ones they had looked like pedophile beards.
See Jon LaJoie:


Wahaha! Another excuse for Jon!

Okay, okay, back to work. Jeez, you slavedrivers!!

Manga Me

You may say that I am wasting time, but to you I say that I am making this to put on my library homepage. The kids will like it.
I think it's cool!
Make your own at http://www.faceyourmanga.com

Yay work!

I'm back at school this morning (Hey, I got here early so I could do computer stuff first, okay!?) and feeling much more positive. I have air and everything! The gods of whining did not look nicely on my previous post. I was struck down with what must have been food poisoning around 11 and was hugging the toilet every 10-15 minutes until 7ish. I seriously did not make it more than 15 minutes the whole day. So I went home sick on my first day back at work - what a loser! Every time I get really awfully sick like that I swear (imagine me clutching my stomach and moaning) I will NEVER take my health for granted ever ever again! I look at those bastards on television skipping around without a thought of vomiting. I even narrow my eyes at Tim as he dares to cook something stinky without ever once running to the bathroom. I will rejoice in a nausea-free life! I swear, just let this end!
So now as I nibble a couple animal crackers and tenderly sip my Gatorade,I am grateful to be upright and at work. Yay work!

Ho-hum

Well, I am back at school and this is the first of what is sure to be many many whiny posts. I came into the library and everything had been moved and rearranged into crazy places. All of the heavy furniture and 30 or so boxes of books that we have moved to one area in the back for the warehouse to pic up is all over the library. Someone seriously dragged broken furniture back to the place where it stood for the previous 20 years. Then I open the door to my little office and the entire thing is STUFFED full of everything from the back rooms. Stuffed. I got here at 7:45 and just finished moving it all the hell out. And did I mention there is no air? I am pouring sweat. It is dripping off of my fingers into the crevices between the keys. I was all ready to pretend to be cheerful and happy - gonna try the "fake it 'til you make it" thing. But I am here to say that it is going to be much much harder than I thought. I swore I was going to be more positive this year and I am off to go try to do that.

One of Those

Erika sent this to me and I really do like these even though hardly anyone ever replies to me. So I thought I'd try it on the blog and see if I could get you to repost your answers

Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your friends.

Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person
who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things
about your friends that you might not have known.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:00 blech Mornings make me want to vomit. And don't even THINK about asking me for sex in the morning

2. Diamonds or Pearls? I guess diamonds, but I prefer the cheap stuff. And I LOVE moonstone...it's my favorite and I have major superstitions related to moonstones. I could not be without one for so so long - I thought that something terrible would happen. And typing this kind of makes me want to go put one on right now.

3. What 2 things do you always have with you? A pocketful of receipts and other crap and I can seriously not think of anything else because I lose everything. About 60% of things come back to me

4. What is your favorite TV show(s)? 30 Rock (TINA FEY - my BFF! Hopefully she doesn't read this blog or I will be expecting a restraining order soon), The Office, Dexter, House (Hugh Laurie - yum), loved Six Feet Under and Oz...I am blanking since it's rerun season

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Usually skip it and then pig out later when starving...I like to sleep until the last possible moment. But when I do make it on a school day I have eggs and cheese toast.

6. What is your favorite book? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhh Man. Any memoir by David Sedaris. The Harry Potter books. I just finished Breaking Dawn and LOVED it. Really too many to name but I can't wait to see other people's picks - I need a great book to read!

7. What is your middle name? Renee. With an accent over the second e if you please

8. What food do you dislike? Seafood. I can eat crab and crawfish (once!) if need be, but the whole shit just freaks me out. Texture issues

9. What is your favorite CD? Hmmmmmmmm Right now it may still be the Once Soundtrack. But I totally listen to music based on my mood so it varies. I am really liking The Raconteurs right now. A lot.

10. What type of car do you drive? Black Jeep Compass - woohoo! My new (to me) ride after the Malibu pooped out for good

11. Favorite sandwich? Tomato Basil Fresh Mozz with pesto mmmmmmmmmm

12. What characteristic do you despise? I really can't abide bullies - male or female. And manipulators who kill you with kindness because they get me every damn time. I am a total spineless sucker

13. Favorite item of clothing? t-shirt fo sho

14. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? India

15. What color is your bathroom? Oh my god. Remember we rent. Some horrifying mauve shiny wallpaper. Ick.

16. Favorite brand of clothing? If I was skinny and rich I would wear nothing but Anthropologie, but as it is I guess Target...

17. Where would you like retire to? Crested Butte

18. What was your most recent memorable birthday? When I was 5 I had ponies and a sleepover...it's really one of the only birthdays I remember...It was great.

19. Furthest place you are sending this? Gee, I don't know...who is reading this and thinks they are farthest away?

21. Who do you least expect to repost this? Bonnie

22. Person you expect to repost first? Tanya, but I'd really like to read everyone's

23. Favorite saying? Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

24. When is your birthday? 3/11/79

25. Are you a morning person or a night person? I guess night? More like evening but for the love of god not mornings

26. What is your shoe size? 8. A WIDE 8.

27. Pets? Mojo Jojo the chihuahua Kali and Dinky the cats And the rats apparently living in the garage nice.

28. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress. I was the kid who practiced the Oscar speech in front of the mirror. Sadly, I still harbor some hope there. But unless casting directors visit playgroups or elementary school libraries looking for chubby balding 30 year olds with slight lisps I am fucked.

29. How are you today? All over the place. Had a boring morning followed by a good hang out with buds and now feel inexplicably bummed

30. What is your favorite candy? Reeses cups. Anything peanut buttery. I will go with Erika here. And I like my Reeses cups right out of the freezer with a tall glass of milk.

31. What is your favorite flower? Dahlia Lovelove them but haven't had one since my wedding. Sigh. Come ON Tim, jeez.

32. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? I can not think of one damn thing...isn't that sad?

33. What is the last thing you ate? Um, a nacho at happy hour?

34. What are you listening to right now? Silence.

35. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Indigo

36. How is the weather right now? hot as hell but it's nice out now since it's late

37. Last person you spoke to on the phone? tim to tell him that Andrea had to buy me beer since my ID was in his wallet

38. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I certainly do. Wish she lived closer

39. Favorite soft drink? Diet Coke. But I SWEAR I will be weaning soon. F'n crack.

40. Favorite restaurant? Torchy's Tacos...mmmm...the democrat....mmmm

41. Hair color? Brown - what's left of it

42. Sibling(s). younger brother and sister

43. Favorite day of the year? Halloween

44. What was your favorite toy as a child? Lite Brite for me too Erika! Even after I was electrocuted by it while playing with it directly after getting out of the bathtub.

45. Summer or winter? Damn it, where is spring? Okay, fall for football but not for Ragweed, Spring for my b-day, g's b-day, spring break and weather. Summer for no school and hanging out with friends more, but not for weather. And winter for skiing which I NEVER get to do anymore...

46. Hugs or kisses? Hugs! I am veryvery huggy but would rather have no hug than a lame side hug or pat. But I do love kisses from my boys

47. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla... but come on! At least give me some Oreos in there! I really like Rainbow sherbert best, but only from Baskin Robbins

48. Do you want your friends to post back? Yes...PLEASE!!

49. When was the last time you cried? This afternoon while listening to a recap of this NPR story in my car. I cried the first time I heard it, too. Listen to it if you dare, it will break your heart. Warning: it's devastating.

50. What is under your bed? boxes of pictures and notes from high school/college

51. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Hmmm...I think Marissa reads this, right Rizz?

52. Favorite smell? Burt's Bees Buttermilk Lotion on G. But then Romance deodorant (cologne is too stong for me now) on Tim makes me want to rip my clothes off

53. What are you afraid of? Many many things. Most of which are out of my control. I guess not being loved/like is a big personal one for me. I can't think too much about the big stuff or I start to flip out.

54. Plain, butter or salted popcorn? Not really into popcorn except when I was preggo

55. How many keys on your key ring? Ha...like 10?? I can't get rid of them! I don't know what they all are, you say? Well the minute I toss it, I will need it!

56. How many years at your current job? This will be my second year at my school

57. Favorite day of the week? Saturday. totally. Would maybe be Sunday since Tim is always home but I let the looming Monday ruin it for me during the school year.

58. How many towns have you lived in? 4 Dallas until 3ish, Gainesville Fl until 7ish, Fort Worth and Austin since then

59. Do you make friends easily? Yes. I think I can get along with mostly everyone. But I tend to try too hard sometimes. And when I get in a funk I don't too well keeping in touch and I worry that they won't take me back. Tim thinks I set my friend standards too high for the next tier of friends...

60. How many people will you be sending this to? i have no clue

Whew!
********
What in the hell. Spell check tells me it's sherbet and not sherbert. I just checked the BR website and it's fucking "sherbet." I have gone 29 1/2 years of my life with various sherberts being my favorite ice cream and I NEVER EVER knew it was sherbet. This is really shocking. And now you think I'm some kind of back woods freak. Am I the only one who's been ordering "sherbert" my whole life. I think I'm having some sort of existential crisis over this.

Show Me Your Genitals

Made you look!!

Because I think this is the funniest thing I have ever seen I will post it here even though my last post was Jon Lajoie, too. I promise to post at least one non-Jon thing before I post my favs of his commericals.
Is there really someone out there who doesn't think this is funny? Stand up for yourself...I am curious.
I can not stand it it cracks me up so bad.
Who would have thought you'd be singing "Genitali-UH!" all day?
:)

I'll Try This!

I think I will take this advice! Thanks Jon LaJoie!



More about Jon later, as he is a genius.

Update

Hey guys,
I'm coming up from my hole for just a minute to check in. I have had a rough week or so. I've been thinking about blogging but frankly I haven't really done anything at all. Then I saw that not one but two of my friends have recently posted about having some of the same problems and I figure if they can come clean so can I. I have been feeling down off and on lately, but I think it has definitely become something more. I blamed all my symptoms (hair coming out AGAIN, weight gain, extreme fatigue, muscle soreness, etc.) on my thyroid since I have been off meds for close to a month now. But I had my bloodwork done and all levels (including testosterone) are normal. Seems I shouldn't have still been taking the meds? I guess hypothyroid might be a post-preggo thing for me - who knows. So anyway I am going to come right out and say that I think I am depressed. I took a questionnaire and it said, "You apppear to have severe depressive disorder." Then it went on to say see a doctor and don't commit suicide. haha. So anyway I have been all over the place emotionally this week and falling behind on things (work and maintaining friendships). But my girls have been checking on me and I do appreciate that. It's not something I'm used to having - a group of girls who care so much about me, I mean. Anyhoo, I am here and attempting to drag myself out of the funk. I start work NEXT week (boooooooooooooooooooooooooo) and I am really freaking out (overreacting?) about not being able to see the people who ground me on a regular basis for months and months. But at least work means I won't be able to lay around all day. However, I will soon be lying in bed worrying about school related crap...can't wait.
This was a total ramble - just wanted to let you know I'm still here. I'll post more soon but for now it's a bath and bed for me.
Love you!

Rainbow ~ BSM

I just love this picture. I know it's not the best quality and the light was very low, but how can you not love this? Rainbow socks (Babylegs) and a white toddler bottom! I have had a trying couple of days with Greyson - I haven't been feeling well and he's been a beast. More on that later when I have more time. For now let's just say that this picture helped remind me how stinkin' cute he is and that he is really only a 2 year old!

**PHOTO REMOVED DUE TO WEIRDOS****

The Bush Report

Back with an update on the Magic Shave experience...

All in all the grow-back phase had been close to shaving for me...a little itchy, some ingrowns especially after exercising, etc. Luckily, little ingrowns are not that big of a deal for me. Something you may not know (or ever want to know) about me is that I derive a sick sense of satisfaction from freeing ingrown hairs. Yes, I will kick back with a pair of sharp tweezers and go to town. I don't necessarily pluck the hairs, I just release them from their little skin-prisons. It's actually very rewarding. And horrifying for you to hear, I'm sure.

Tim is still liking it mucho, regrowth be damned. He is Magic Shave's (and Christen's) new biggest fan.

All in all it's something I'd totally recommend. Not sure if I have the time or patience to do it every time, but as Christen said, "I'm not trying to be porno-ready every night." Plus it stunk up my bathroom like crazy. But I have had a lot of sex in the last week. So, there you go...

Look Over Your Shoulder

Scene: Playdate. Moms sitting in the shade and chatting. Children running around in the yards in various states of undress.

Mama: ...so I told him that we'd just have sex every day for a month and see what happens.

Me: You know, our ob/gyn told me that the optimum amount of sex to have when trying to get pregnant is every 36 hours.

Mama: WHAT? Every 36 hours? 36 hours in between? Ohhoho, I can NOT go 36 hours without sex!

General tittering laughter from mamas

Me: Really! If you wait too long, the sperm get lazy and stupid in there...but if you do it too often they won't replenish enough...

Mama: No way.

Me: I'm serious! You have to wait for the tanks to fill up.

More giggles from the peanut gallery

14 year old son of one of the mothers that no one had noticed suddenly gets up and flees the area

BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!

I wish you could have seen his face.

Best Shot Monday ~ Sugar and Spice

I think I've been bitten by the little girl bug lately. It seems that my friends all have these gorgeous and sweet little things who are so dainty and cute. I find myself sad that we decided not to try to get preggo this year for money reasons. I never thought I could do the girl thing, but watching the mother-daughter interaction has really been getting to me.

Anyhoo, my BSM this week comes from a shoot I had with this cutie. She was up all night teething and was sad and drooly. Her mama was worried about not getting any smiling shots, but I think sometimes these turn out more beautiful. She has the most amazing eyes.

I think I just felt my ovaries jump!



More Best Shots hosted on Slurping Life this week...

The Smooth Vajayjay Dairies

I came across a post on my mom’s group message board entitled, “For Your Vagina.” When I saw it was written by my friend Christen, I knew I was in for something good. Tell me, how could I not read it? Within the first post, I see the words, “nether regions”, “barely there hair”, “cooter”, and “girly parts.” Sounds interesting! Christen was spreading the joy she (or at least her husband) has found from a wonderous product called “Magic Shave.” She said that through her “nefarious connections” (haha) she discovered this product which is designed for black men who get razor bumps on their faces. But apparently, it works well on your cooter, too! Blushing, I check to make sure this post isn’t directly addressed to me. Has she seen me in a swimsuit? Too short shorts? Has her husband been speaking to my husband? But no, she was just sharing the love.
I laughed my way through the rest of the posts and jotted down all the fun words for vagina (which I will be stealing an using here). Heather’s post actually made me spit my Diet Coke:

Now I can't get it out of my head, so I wonder if I'll try it too. Oh, the things you O'Mamas drive me to. I spend too long on the discussion boards, and it's created all sorts of unrealistic goals in my head now, like:
1. Feed my child something other than Oreos every day
2. Have an identity outside of mamahood
3. Clean my house
4. Have sex with my husband
5. Get rid of my bush

Word, sister. Word.

Armed with mama knowledge, I descended upon HEB for help taming “the beast.” Walking up and down the shaving aisle, I’m starting to feel sad when lo and behold I find it snuggled away on the end-cap next to the hair relaxer! And under $2 - score!

Once home, I pass the child off to Tim so I can get rid of my bush in peace. Reading the directions, I see “scrape off with spatula.” Spatula? WTF? Surely they mean the included little paddle, right? Wrong - nothin’ in there. I scrounge around in the kitchen drawers looking for a spatula small enough to maneuver easily yet firm enough to get the job done. Frankly, I’m looking for a spatula I can spare for ooooohhhh….ever. Something tells me I won’t want to stir the eggs in the morning after I’ve used said spatula to scrape my cooter the night before. Or am I just being a prude? I will not be using spatulas at Christen’s house in the future. I resolve to just scratch away with the metal measuring spoon I’m using to mix it up.

Armed with my supplies, I mix up the gray sludge, strip down and have a seat on the toilet with a hand mirror. I slather the mix up one side and down the other. When I’m done, I’ll not be “porno-ready” but I will have a nice landing strip. I check the time and lean back, legs akimbo to read my new David Sedaris book. I enjoy the breeze but I can’t help but wonder what David would say about this scene.

I forget to check the time and don’t look down until 12 minutes have passed. By this time, the cream has solidified into a lovely grey concrete path paving the way to the promised land. But no burning! Paranoid about getting it in the inner sanctum, I scuttle like a crab over to the shower with my teaspoon in hand. With the water running, I start the scraping process. Miracle of miracles, the hair is coming right off! I feel like I am painting on smooth skin!

The wad of evicted hairs starts to plug up the drain and I keep having to pull it out of the way with my foot. I once went to get a wax and the lady took one look and said, “Oh…You hairy!” I am not making that up. And if I remember correctly, I had trimmed it up specifically for her. So I was fairly sure this powder would not work on my pubes, seeing as they are spun from steel wool. But it did! Smoothest cha-cha ever! (“Cha-cha” being my favorite of the stolen words) I’m still skeptical about how long it will last - my body hair grows like that kid on The Amazing Peanut Butter Solution. All those Omega-3s, you know.

Tim was practically waiting outside the door. Seal of approval from him I think. And beer coming your way, Christen!

Love

Well, I finally finished the pictures from the wedding I assisted with. I was pleased with them overall and I had fun playing with them and trying new things. Unfortunately that takes FOREVER and I am very very tired of looking at these. Here are some of my favorites and the rest are on my Flickr strting here (and going left).

The bride was gorgeous as you can see - that makes it really easy. The thing was that she was so stinkin' cute AND had the perfect body AND is extremely smart (an engineer or something). She is totally the kind of person who you could hate. But she was very sweet. I think she was one of those people who have the opportunity to become a mean girl and then chose to become friends with everyone instead. It was nice to meet such a genuine person and I think her personality shows through.

The groom looks a lot like my brother in the face and it made for interesting shooting. Though the camera it really felt like it was Kyle up there getting married and I was totally getting misty. He just looked so darn happy.

The couple was very religious and had communion together separately before the actual ceremony. They were so giggly and giddy! The ceremony itself was held outside and I don't think you can tell how HOT it was! But that's good, right?

I enjoyed doing the candids, and I am proud of the result but it was A LOT of work proofing all those pictures!! Whew! I don't know if I have the stamina! AND I still haven't been paid my lousy $100 for uncountable hours' work (or gotten my card back!!)...

Anyway, here are 10 that I liked: